


lucky seven

by ultraviolensces



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Beverly Marsh & Richie Tozier Are Best Friends, F/M, M/M, Richie And Eddie Are Idiots In Love, Slow Burn, Texting, adding more tags as i go maybe, ben is confused 24/7, bill is a Film Bro, but get this, lil bit angsty?? sorry, stan uris: Grammar Nazi., that's right it's another group chat fic, theres plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2020-10-24 15:03:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 32,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20707985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultraviolensces/pseuds/ultraviolensces
Summary: Richie Tozier created the group.Richie:sup fuckersStanley:Not this shit again.or; bev and richie get high all the time, bill is in love with famous actress audra phillips, eddie isn’t very nice, ben doesn’t understand vine references, mike makes good use of ‘do not disturb’, stan is a good friend, and richie’s hiding a very big secret.





	1. caillou killer

**Author's Note:**

> i call myself a writer but i am too lazy to actually write anything so this is the compromise. i have no idea where i'm going with this so please fuel my unoriginality by sending me any suggestions/prompts.

_Richie Tozier created the group._

_Richie Tozier added Bill Denbrough to the group._

_Richie Tozier added Stanley Uris to the group._

_Richie Tozier added Bev Marsh to the group._

_Richie Tozier added Ben Hanscom to the group._

_Richie Tozier added Mike Hanlon to the group._

_Richie Tozier added Eddie Kaspbrak to the group._

Monday, 4:37PM

**Richie: **sup fuckers

**Stanley: **Not this shit again.

**Bev: **asksksk stanley its been two days

**Stanley: **Two glorious days free of suffering.

**Ben: **wait what happened to the old group chat?

**Bev: **bill deleted it remember

**Ben: **no???????

**Bev: **ben it was two days ago how did u forget

**Ben: **I think I missed it???

**Ben: **I did think it was weird that I wasn’t getting any messages from richie all weekend…

**Richie: **aw u missed me benny ben

**Ben: **what happened??

**Stanley: **Richie wouldn’t stop composing drafts for his Caillou fanfiction in the chat.

**Ben: **oh

**Ben: **yeah I missed that completely

**Mike: **lucky

**Ben: **hi mike!!

**Mike:** hey ben

**Bev: **dont forget the part where georgie took bill’s phone and accidentally read the graphic sex scene between caillou and his cat!!

**Bill: **he was asking me what voring was for the rest of the weekend

**Richie: **did ya tell him big bill

**Bill: **no i did not

**Bill: **you’re on thin fucking ice tozier

**Ben: **wait so instead of just removing richie from the chat u deleted the whole thing

**Bill:** i couldn’t rest until i knew all of richie’s writing efforts were wiped from the earth

**Richie: **it was my only copy :(((((

**Bev: **its ok rich “Caillou and Gilbert Kinky Time ;)” joins other great works of lost literature

**Bev: **like sanditon…or cardenio…

**Ben: **are u comparing richie to jane austen and shakespeare

**Stanley: **Don’t encourage him, Beverly.

**Richie: **oh so when bill writes a short story about finding a dead body in the woods it’s “the best thing you’ve ever read” and “should win an oscar even though oscars aren’t for books” but when i write a tiiiiny bit of boy on cat action its “gross” and “making your eyes bleed” ????????

**Bev: **“this is biphobic”

**Mike: **“this is biphobic”

**Bill: **“this is biphobic”

**Richie: **this is biphobic

**Richie: **what the fuck

**Eddie: **richie ur writing was disgusting and if u ever try something like that again i will block u not just online but in real life too

**Bev: **EDDIE ASDFKSKSK

**Richie: **eddie spaghetti!!!!!!!!

**Richie: **WAIT something’s wrong

**Eddie: **richie what

_Richie Tozier changed Eddie Kasprak’s nickname to eds._

**eds: **one day i will murder u in cold blood

**Richie: **aw eds u would do that for me

**Stanley: **We have had this chat for less than ten minutes and Richie and Eddie are already flirting again.

**eds: **stanley what part of me telling richie that i want to murder him counts as flirting??

**Bev: **eddie please don’t deny it

**Richie: **can confirm i was flirting with eddie

**eds: **beep beep dickard

**Mike: **u guys are so cute :)))

**eds: **SHUT UP

_eds changed their nickname to eddie._

_Richie Tozier changed eddie’s nickname to eds._

_eds changed their nickname to eddie._

**Bill: **jfc not again

_Richie Tozier changed eddie’s nickname to eds._

_eds changed Richie Tozier’s nickname to stop doing that fucktard._

_stop doing that fucktard changed eds’s nickname to never in your life._

**stop doing that fucktard: **wait no go back

_stop doing that fucktard changed never in your life’s nickname to eds._

_eds changed stop doing that fucktard’s nickname to i hate you more and more each day._

**Stanley: **If you don’t stop doing that I will remove you from the group.

**eds: **richie started it

_i hate you more and more each day changed eds’s nickname to spaghetti man <3._

_spaghetti man <3 changed i hate you more and more each day’s nickname to IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU_

**Stanley: **I warned you.

_Stanley Uris removed IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU from the group._

_Stanley Uris removed spaghetti man <3 from the group._

**Bev: **omf

**Bill: **how long did they last?

**Mike: **9 mins 46 seconds

**Bev: **asdfdfd mike u were counting

**Bev: **stan u fuckn wrecked them

**Stanley: **:)

**Bev: **RETURN OF THE SINISTER SMILEY

**Ben: **can’t u guys just use emojis?

**Bill: **no

_Stanley Uris named the group Peace At Last._

**eddie boy > big bill**

Monday, 4:46PM

**eddie boy: **come on add me back it wasn’t my fault

**levvie > ditchie**

Monday, 4:49PM

**levvie: **was it worth it?

**ditchie: **absofruitly my freckled friend

**levvie: **i hate u

**ditchie: **no u don’t

**levvie: **<3

**ditchie: **<3

**Peace At Last**

Tuesday, 2:58AM

**Ben: **why is caillou bald

**Bev: **ben wtf akskgjsenfv

**Ben: **does he have cancer

**Bev: **i don’t know?????? omg

**Stanley: **It is 2 o'clock in the morning. Why the fuck are you two awake?

**Bill: **caillou can’t grow hair bc he sucks and his own body recognizes that he doesn’t deserve hair or food or love

**Bev: **BILL OMFGDBNWJKNC

**Stanley: **Bill not you too.

**Ben: **bill what did caillou ever do to u

**Bill: **he is a whiny bald ass dickhead

**Ben: **bill he’s four

**Bev: **caillou lovers be like “why u insulting caillou what did he do to u”

**Stanley: **Go to sleep and stop talking about Caillou.

**Bill: **there was that one episode where he was in the bathroom playing with his toys i think then his dad walked in he told him something about "we’re not going to the circus today, we are going tomorrow" maybe it wasn’t the circus it was maybe the theater or the zoo i don’t know, he said that then this mf kid starts crying like a baby i mean like he said tomorrow he didn’t say in 1 week or in 1 month or in 1 year, he said tomorrow and then started crying like a little bitch

**Ben: **bill what the fuck

**Bev: **jesus bill

**Stanley: **I removed Richie from the chat why is this still happening.

**Bev: **there’s no way i can sleep after that

**Ben: **I have the theme song stuck in my head :(

**Bev: **how does it go again?

**Bill: **im just a little brat my head is big and fat i need a beating im caillou

**Bev: **bill u good buddy?

**Bill: **good night

**Ben: **im scared?

**Bev: **caillou isn’t real ben he cant hurt u

**Stanley: **Please, I’m begging you. Go to bed.

**Ben: **ok good night stan

**Bev: **good night :|

Tuesday, 5:34AM

**Mike: **guys,, what the fuck

Tuesday, 7:01AM

**Ben: **good morning mikey how did u sleep

**Mike: **good thanks ben :)

**Stanley: **How did you sleep through that?

**Mike: **there’s this thing called do not disturb u should try it sometime stan

**Bill: **sorry guys i got a little carried away

**Mike: **you think?

**Stanley: **I thought Richie was the source of all madness in the world…turns out it was inside each of us all along.

**Mike: **bill u broke stanley

**Bill: **oops?

_Stanley Uris added spaghetti man <3 to the group._

_Stanley Uris added IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU to the group._

**spaghetti man <3: **bill what the fuck

**Bill: **carried away!

Tuesday, 7:49AM

**IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU: **omf bill asdjkncdorgj

**IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU: **never in my life have i seen such hatred

_IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU changed Bill Denbrough’s nickname to caillou killer._

**spaghetti man <3: **richie did u just wake up

**IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU: **uhhh maybe

**spaghetti man <3: **i’ve been waiting here for twenty minutes dickwad

**spaghetti man <3:** we’re going to be late

**IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU: **cool it eds I’ll be there in a jiffy

**Bev: **awwww eddie’s waiting for richie to take him to schoooooooool

**spaghetti man <3:** we’ve done this every morning for the past year

**Bev: **so precious and sweet

**IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU: **stop hitting on my man thot

**spaghetti man <3:** not ur man and GET OFF UR PHONE AND HURRY UP

**IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU: **ok im coming im coming

**IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU: **that’s what she said

**spaghetti man <3: **RICHIE

**IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU: **ok ok!!!

Tuesday, 10:12AM

**Ben: **richie’s nickname is making me nervous

**Bev: **aw ben

_spaghetti man <3 changed IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU’s nickname to biggest bitch of all time._

**spaghetti man <3: **fixed it

**biggest bitch of all time: **im only a bitch for you eds

**Bev: **cute?

**spaghetti man <3: **no

_biggest bitch of all time changed their nickname to eddie’s bitch._

**spaghetti man <3: **ffs

**levvie > ditchie**

Tuesday, 10:14AM

**levvie: **GAYYYYYYYYYYY

**ditchie: **[andwhataboutit.gif]

**levvie: **wait what

**levvie: **richie

**levvie: **did u just admit to liking eddie

**levvie: **richie

**levvie: **rich

**levvie: **brat boy

**levvie: **ditchie

**levvie: **WHAT THE FUCK


	2. I AM YOUR MOTHER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **caillou killer: **when will the clown sightings start again they were fun
> 
> **eddie’s bitch: **look in the mirror and they can start today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so of course i've decided to add in some kind of plot. and angst?? i don't know what i'm doing. PLEASE comment any suggestions for what you might like to see (angst, fluff, character interactions, easter eggs, anything)
> 
> also slight spoilers for hereditary (2018) i guess?? (i'm just quoting the movie)

**Peace At Last**

Tuesday, 8:41PM

**caillou killer: **when will the clown sightings start again they were fun

**eddie’s bitch: **look in the mirror and they can start today

**spaghetti man <3: **richie asdfghjkl

**Stanley: **You joke, but…

**Stanley: **[link: _“Derry, Maine named biggest hotbed of hostile clown activity in United States”_]

**spaghetti man <3: **wtffffff

**Mike: **the link won’t open what does it say

**Stanley: **“While the viral craze mostly faded by the end of 2016, sightings of supposed ‘evil clowns’ still persist in this small Maine town to the present day. In August 2016, when the clown sightings were at their peak on a global scale, Derry law enforcement recorded approximately 200 sightings from their patrolmen, with reports from locals bringing that number to a further 350. Although Derry has not reached this peak in the time since, police say that it is still common to see approximately 10 clowns per month in an incongruous setting, such as a school or a forest. Police Chief of the Derry Police Department, Richard Borton, says that “For the most part, the clowns seem to be harmless. Every now and then we get one of ‘em [_sic_] trying to rob a gas station or vandalising private property, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. Unless they’re committing a crime, there’s not much we can do anyway. We can get ‘em [_sic_] for loitering in a school zone…they don’t seem to be violent criminals. Just a bunch of sad sacks [_sic_] who haven’t realized the joke’s over yet.””

**eddie's bitch: **derry is WILD

**Stanley: **The article also talks about Bowers.

**spaghetti man <3: **don’t stan i don’t want to think about it

**caillou killer: **remember when eddie and i caught one

**eddie’s bitch: **haha YES

**spaghetti man <3: **worst night of my life

**Mike: **no what happened?

**caillou killer: **i think it was before we met you mike

**caillou killer: **it was back when most of the clown sightings were happening and there was this one guy that kept showing up near my house which richie thought was really funny so he kept pulling faces at it and stuff when it was out in the street

**caillou killer: **but then one night when richie and eddie were both at my house eddie realized that the clown looked just like this guy that we’d hired for georgie’s birthday party like three months earlier who ended up being super creepy with the kids like saying creepy shit to them and asking them to go back to his van with him

**caillou killer: **so we told mom and she called the cops on him but he always ran off before they got there but the police told us that if they caught him they’d be able to file a restraining order bc he was “stalking” us

**caillou killer: **so i came up with a plan and when we saw him again eddie dressed up in georgie’s yellow raincoat and went out to “play” in the street but then i lost sight of the clown

**spaghetti man <3: **BECAUSE HE WAS IN THE FUCKING SEWER

**Mike: **lol what?

**caillou killer: **yeah eddie was just chillin when he heard the guy start talking and he didn’t know where it was coming from so he looked around and boom the clown’s just there in the storm drain

**caillou killer: **so i was still inside but i figured out what was happening and made mom call the cops again and then i went outside and i sat on the manhole cover on my street so he couldn’t get out while eddie kept him talking and then the cops showed up and arrested him

**spaghetti man <3: **it was the worst conversation i have ever had in my life

**Mike: **wtf did u talk about

**spaghetti man <3: **i think he thought i was georgie which is…big yike

**spaghetti man <3: **he told me there was a circus in the sewer and all i had to do was go down there with him

**Mike: **that is,, fucking terrifying

**eddie’s bitch: **i wonder what he’s doing now

**Bev: **RICHIE TOZIER ANSWER YOUR FUCKING DMS

**caillou killer: **uh oh shit’s heating up in the richerly dms

**eddie’s bitch: **sorry levvie don’t know what ur talking about

**Bev: **DENIAL WILL GET U NOWHERE LITTLE BITCH

**eddie’s bitch: **it’s been working for me ok so far

**caillou killer: **place ur bets what are bev and richie arguing about in the dms

**spaghetti man <3: **bev told richie that your mom jokes aren’t funny

**eddie’s bitch: **that’s funny bc that’s not what your mom said last night

**spaghetti man <3: **richie i s2g

**Bev: **I COULD DECIMATE YOU TOZIER RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW

**spaghetti man <3: **jfc richie what did u do

**Ben: **Richie why would you and Eddie’s mom be talking about your mom jokes late at night?

**Bev: **hi ben!!

**Ben: **hi bev!!

**Mike: **bev stops yelling for 0.5 seconds to be soft for ben <3

**Bev: **AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE DONE FOR YOU THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME BITCH BOY

**Mike: **and she’s back

**caillou killer: **bev’s mad bc richie crashed his car but is insisting it still works even though the airbags don’t

**caillou killer: **again

**spaghetti man <3: **“again” srogvjnvjlrnkfvf

**Stanley: **Richie accidentally confessed his love for Eddie to Beverly and now she won’t leave him alone.

**spaghetti man <3: **yeah good one stan

**Bev: **HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

**caillou killer: **god that’s terrifying

**eddie’s bitch: **fuck OFF beaverly

**Bev: **DON'T you swear at me, you little shit!

**spaghetti man <3: **uh oh now you’ve done it

**Mike: **done what?

**Bev: **Don't you EVER raise your voice at me!

**caillou killer: **what the fuck is happening

**Bev:** I AM YOUR MOTHER! YOU UNDERSTAND? ALL I DO IS WORRY AND SLAVE AND DEFEND YOU, AND ALL I GET BACK IS THAT FUCKING FACE ON YOUR FACE!

**caillou killer: **ohhhhh i get it now

**Ben: **I don’t what’s going on

**Bev: **SO FULL OF DISDAIN AND RESENTMENT AND ALWAYS SO ANNOYED! WELL, NOW YOUR SISTER IS DEAD! AND I KNOW YOU MISS HER AND I KNOW IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND I KNOW YOU'RE IN PAIN AND I WISH COULD TAKE THAT AWAY FOR YOU. I WISH I COULD SHIELD YOU FROM THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU DID WHAT YOU DID, BUT YOU'RE SISTER IS DEAD! SHE'S GONE FOREVER! AND WHAT A WASTE... IF IT COULD'VE MAYBE BROUGHT US TOGETHER, OR SOMETHING, IF YOU COULD'VE JUST SAID "I'M SORRY" OR FACED UP TO WHAT HAPPENED, MAYBE THEN WE COULD DO SOMETHING WITH THIS, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING! SO, NOW I CAN'T ACCEPT. AND I CAN'T FORGIVE. BECAUSE... BECAUSE NOBODY ADMITS ANYTHING THEY'VE DONE!

**Mike: **…

**Stanley: **What the fuck was that?

**caillou killer: **bev’s angry at richie bc he killed his sister in a car accident on the way home from a party

**Ben: **WHAT

**caillou killer: **jk it’s the plot of hereditary

**spaghetti man <3: **yeah richie ur in deep shit if bev’s quoting hereditary

**eddie’s bitch: **im going to bed

**spaghetti man <3: **what

**caillou killer: **what

**Stanley: **What?

**Bev: **WHAT

**levvie > ditchie**

Tuesday, 9:03PM

**levvie: **richie im sorry ok

**levvie: **i just want you to talk to me

**levvie: **i can see that ur reading these

**levvie: **richie please

**levvie: **ok im here when ur ready to talk

**levvie: **love u rich <3

**eds > dick**

Tuesday, 9:04PM

**eds: **reach are u ok?

**dick: **absolutely spiffing old chap

**eds: **idk what u and bev are fighting about

**eds: **but u know that u can tell me anything right

**dick: **I’ll keep that in mind eds

**eds: **<3

**dick: **<3

**Peace At Last**

Wednesday, 1:26AM

**caillou killer: **did anybody do the bio worksheet?????

**caillou killer: **please help me idk what im doing

**spaghetti man <3: **the what now

**caillou killer: **the bio worksheet for kreshner’s class

**spaghetti man <3: **SHUT

**spaghetti man <3: **AOCNVCVNWRO

**caillou killer: **eddie?

**Ben: **he died

**Ben: **I did it bill here you go

**Ben: **[bioworksheet.jpg]

**caillou killer:** thanks benny ben

**spaghetti man <3: **BEN YOU ARE A LIFESAVER

**spaghetti man <3: **I OWE YOU MY LIFE

_spaghetti man <3 set Ben’s nickname to my hero!!_

**my hero!!: **just glad I could help

**Stanley: **It’s 1AM.

**Stanley: **Why are you doing your biology homework at 1AM?

**caillou killer: **procrastination is a curse stanley

**Stanley: **Please go to bed. Let me sleep.

Wednesday, 5:34AM

**Mike: **do not disturb stan i told you

**eds > dick**

Wednesday, 7:20AM

**eds: **u still giving me a ride this morning?

**dick: **wouldn’t miss it for the world

**levvie > ditchie**

Wednesday, 11:26PM

**levvie:** are u srsly attending gym class for the first time in three years just to avoid me

**Peace At Last**

Wednesday, 3:36PM

**spaghetti man <3: **i HATE mrs rothchild

**Bev: **oh mood

**Bev: **what did she do this time

**spaghetti man <3: **i did my physics quiz in blue pen and she told me she was going to give me a zero because its “unreadable”

**Stanley: **Bitch.

**Bev: **asdfdfdfd stan

**spaghetti man <3: **she said i was lucky it wasn’t an actual test bc it would have impacted my overall grade

**spaghetti man <3: **which is already SHIT bc i SUCK at physics

**eddie’s bitch: **eds if u want i could tutor you

**spaghetti man <3: **yeah yeah just like you’re already tutoring my mom in the ways of love-making i get it trashmouth

**eddie’s bitch: **no seriously

**eddie’s bitch: **im on an a in that class

**spaghetti man <3: **you’ll actually help me?

**eddie’s bitch: **yeah if u can tolerate me for a couple of extra hours

**eddie’s bitch: **i’ll come by at 6?

**spaghetti man <3: **sounds good

**spaghetti man <3: **thanks richie

**eddie’s bitch: **no prob

**levvie > ditchie**

Wednesday, 3:51PM

**levvie: **oh my god

**levvie:** you really like him

**levvie: **like you really actually like him

**ditchie: **bev

**levvie: **HE SPEAKS

**levvie: **come on just spit it out

**levvie: **u cant hide shit from me i know u better than u know yourself

**levvie: **you like him

**ditchie: **you cant tell anybody

**levvie: **OH MY GOD

**levvie: **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**levvie: **IM CRYING??????????

**ditchie: **bev

**levvie: **Un-Follow Me Now, This Is Gonna Be the Only Thing I Tweet About For The Next Week. Ive Wanted This For Years Fuck. What The Fuck.

**ditchie: **BEV

**levvie: **ok im sorry

**levvie: **so what are you going to do?

**ditchie: **im not going to DO anything

**levvie: **what????????

**levvie: **why not!!

**ditchie: **bev come on

**ditchie: **you know why

**levvie: **um i rly dont????

**ditchie: **fine

**ditchie: **there is no way in hell that eddie likes me back

**levvie: **rich u don’t know that

**ditchie: **[“yeahgoodonestan”.jpg]

**levvie: **that doesn’t mean anything!!

**ditchie: **bev come on

**levvie: **ok fine

**levvie: **obviously im not going to be able to convince u

**levvie: **but if u ever want to vent about it im here

**ditchie: **thanks levvie

**levvie: **and if u ever go to gym class again i will kill u

**levvie: **never in my life have i been so offended

**ditchie: **SHUT

**levvie: **;)

**eddie boy > big bill**

Wednesday, 8:43PM

**eddie boy: **im going to DIE

**eddie boy: **this is it for me

**eddie boy: **i cnat take it anymore

**big bill:** this is about richie isn’t it

**eddie boy: **OBVIOUSLY bill keep up

**eddie boy: **he’s so cute

**eddie boy: **he’s so cute it hurts my heart

**eddie boy: **i like him so much

**big bill: **maybe u should tell him that

**eddie boy: **HA

**big bill: **that’s what I did with bev

**eddie boy: **yeah and look at u now! BORKEN UP

**big bill: **borken

**eddie boy: **SHUT UP and let me rant

**eddie boy: **i listened to u talk about beverly for like a year

**big bill: **ive listened to you for three

**eddie boy: **BILL

**big bill: **fine

**big bill: **continue

**eddie boy: **so he came over and my mom was out so i didn’t have to deal with any of her shit and we sat down to do the physics stuff but i could hardly pay attention bc hes so PRETTY and all i could do was STARE at him

**eddie boy: **and he started teasing me and he was SMILING and it was so NICE and i almost DIED

**big bill: **oh my god just tell him

**eddie boy: **nuh uh no way

**big bill: **why not he clearly likes you he only flirts with you all the time

**eddie boy: **yeah as a fucking joke

**big bill: **then maybe u should try and,, move on

**eddie boy: **MOVE ON??

**eddie boy: **i will NEVER move on

**eddie boy: **i don’t WANT to move on

**eddie boy: **i’ll be fifty years old and i’ll still be saying “im going to die for richie tozier”

**big bill: **jesus christ

**eddie boy:** and there’s nothing u can do about it

**levvie > ditchie**

Wednesday, 9:46PM

**levvie: **i cant believe u admitted that u liked eddie with an ariana grande gif

**ditchie: **LET ME LIVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am officially Out of Ideas so next chapter will probably take a While


	3. ratatoullie's monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Bev: ** ratatouille would absolutely destroy stuart little in a fight
> 
> ** my hero!!: ** why would they fight?? theyre best friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is far too Plotty for my liking so im done with exposition now. i just want to write some highjinks!! but i only Know angst. but since i decided to write this to a linear timeline it's almost the weekend in the group chat. somebody give me some highjinks,, please,,,

**Peace At Last**

Thursday, 3:01AM

**caillou killer: **if u cut off mike wazowski’s legs it is the same thing as beheading him

**Bev: **why would you cut off his legs what did he do to you???????

**caillou killer: **for science

**Bev: **D:

**Stanley: **This is the third time this week that this chat has woken me up and none of those times have involved Richie.

**Stanley: **So my question is this: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

**Bev: **oh my god

**Bev: **he didn’t end his sentence with a period

**Bev: **bill we’re screwed

**Stanley: **GO TYO SLEEEPE

**caillou killer: **fucking typos fuck we’re fucked

**Bev: **bill im scared

**Stanley: **SHIT UP

**Bev: **ok good night everybody

**caillou killer: **if u don’t see us in the morning its bc stan killed us

Thursday, 5:36AM

**Mike: **i'm beginning to think that the group name doesnt really apply anymore

Thursday, 7:49AM

**Stanley: **I am sorry for my outburst in the chat this morning.

**Bev: **that’s ok stan

**Bev: **im just glad im alive

**Mike: **stan why haven’t u turned on do not disturb

**Stanley: **I…don’t know how.

**Mike: **you should have told me!!

**Mike: **I’ll show you at school

**Stanley: **Thank you Mike.

**ditchie > levvie**

Thursday, 9:03AM

**ditchie: **bev im fucked

**ditchie: **this eddie thing??? fucked

**ditchie: **im fucked

**levvie: **wdym

**ditchie: **why couldn’t u just let me live in passive denial??

**ditchie:** i was content completely supressing my emotions

**ditchie: **but now???

**ditchie: **IM FUCKED

**levvie: **so ur regretting telling me?

**ditchie: **YES

**ditchie: **because now ive said it out loud its REAL

**ditchie: **and i was hanging out with him yesterday and it just hit me out of nowhere

**ditchie: **how much i like him

**ditchie: **i got so freaked out i had to leave :(

**levvie: **ok here’s a consideration for u

**levvie: **use ur super awesome and supportive bff as a venting system

**ditchie: **i would but stan’s busy right now :/

**levvie: **FUCK OFF

**levvie: **im serious tell me anything and everything and ill be your hype man

**levvie: **its better than keeping it all bottled up inside

**ditchie: **ok fine

**ditchie: **IM IN CRISIS MODE

**ditchie: **once i told u i got the jitters and i had to smoke like 3 joints to calm down

**ditchie: **but then i couldn’t sleep all tuesday night

**ditchie: **like i guess i knew i liked him but i just never paid attention to it???

**ditchie: **and then u and me talked about it yesterday and i was like its fine its cool its just eddie

**ditchie: **so i went to do physics with him and we were having a good time like we always do when we hang out

**ditchie: **but then i noticed he was doing this thing

**ditchie: **where he was chewing the end of his pencil

**ditchie: **and i couldn’t stop staring at him

**ditchie: **like it was driving me fucking crazy

**ditchie: **and so bc im an idiot i was like “i have to go I told my mom id be home by 8:30” and i fuckn legged it

**ditchie: **and then this morning i picked him up and i couldn’t even talk to him

**ditchie: **ME!!!! TRASHMOUTH had nothing to say!!!!!

**ditchie:** we’re in study hall right now and its AWFUL

**ditchie: **I CAN HARDLY LOOK AT HIM

**levvie: **hey richie rich its all cool

**levvie: **tell me what u like about him

**ditchie: **he’s so perfect

**ditchie: **like ive loved him since we met when we were five

**ditchie: **god he fucking hated me back them

**ditchie: **but even then id look at his big brown eyes and id think “i want to give this boy 1000 kisses”

**levvie: **asdfdfdfd are u sure u only just realized that u liked him omg

**ditchie: **I JUST THOUGHT THAT EVERYBODY THOUGHT THAT

**levvie: **my poor repressed bisexual boy :(((

**ditchie: **and now that we’re older i just look at him and i Know

**levvie: **know What

**ditchie: **that hes the One

**levvie: **omfg

**levvie: **that’s so cute

**levvie: **im going to cry

**ditchie: **like my day doesn’t feel complete till ive talked to him

**levvie: **!!

**ditchie: **and when he touches me i feel dizzy

**levvie: **!!!!

**ditchie: **and i miss him whenever we’re not together

**levvie: **!!!!!!!!

**ditchie: **bev its eating me alive i don’t know what to do

**levvie: **smoke break at lunch?

**ditchie: **god yes

**levvie: **<3

**eddie boy > big bill**

Thursday, 9:47AM

**eddie boy: **i think richie’s mad at me

**big bill: **what why

**eddie boy: **idk???

**eddie boy: **he didn’t talk to me this morning when he drove me to school

**big bill: **wait a minute

**big bill: **t r a s h m o u t h tozier didn’t speak to you this morning???

**eddie boy: **yeah

**eddie boy: **and then he spent the whole of study hall on his phone???

**big bill: **ok that’s weird ngl

**big bill: **but its probably nothing

**eddie boy: **idk bill what if i was too obvious yesterday

**eddie boy: **like what if he Knows???

**big bill: **there is no way he’s too oblivious

**eddie boy: **well i didn’t say yesterday bc i didn’t think it was a Big Deal

**eddie boy: **but like i was kinda flirting with him last night and all of a sudden he like jumped out his seat and was like “my mom said i have to be home by 8:30”

**eddie boy: **which was complete bullshit like we all know mags doesn’t give a shit about how long richie’s out for as long as he calls

**eddie boy: **fuck bill i think i freaked him out

**eddie boy: **fuck fuck fuck

**eddie boy: **he’s never going to talk to me again

**big bill: **ok ed calm down

**big bill: **look

**big bill: **worst case scenario richie thinks its funny

**eddie boy: **yeah my crush on him is one giant joke haha very funny

**big bill: **no that’s not what i meant

**big bill:** what i mean is richie is so oblivious that worst case scenario he doesn’t like you back and thinks youre playing along with his flirting game

**eddie boy: **that SUCKS

**big bill: **i said worst case!!!

**big bill: **but if we’re being realistic he definitely likes you

**eddie boy: **bill i s2g

**big bill: **he doesn’t flirt with the rest of us even as a joke!!

**eddie boy: **yeah but the only reason he “flirts” with me is bc he thinks it pisses me off!!

**big bill: **ok lets just wait until lunch

**big bill: **if hes still being weird somethings probably up

**eddie boy: **fine

**Peace At Last**

Thursday, 10:56AM

**my hero!!: **if she's your girl why did she come back to wuthering heights and tell me to open my window

**Bev: **lmao is this a fucking emily bronte meme

**caillou killer: **we're reading it in class

**Bev: **yeah same

**Bev: **i cant believe that u two got put in the same english class while i got stuck with eddie and richie :/

**spaghetti man <3: **ok bitch

**Bev: **they have memes eddie!! they have ap english memes!!

**caillou killer: **if the ghost of my lover was trying to get in my window i would simply not let them like rip to heathcliff but im different

**Bev: **see eddie!! look at them!!

**spaghetti man <3: **yeah well i had to stop reading wuthering heights bc it made me too crAZY!! it would be like "whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same" and i'd be like *SCREAMS*

**Bev: **omfg

**Bev: **i take it back

**Bev: **eddie i love u

**levvie > ditchie**

Thursday, 12:32PM

**levvie: **saw vic criss under the bleachers so im behind the gym

**ditchie: **ok im coming now

**big bill > eddie boy**

Thursday, 1:21PM

**big bill: **ok so he didn't show for lunch

**big bill: **not a Big Deal

**big bill: **maybe he had homework or something

**eddie boy: **:(

**clever one > sexy one**

Thursday, 3:37PM

**clever one: **Hey Bev. Is Richie okay?

**sexy one: **yeah i think so??

**sexy one: **why

**clever one: **He just hasn’t been posting in the group chat recently. It’s not like him.

**sexy one: **im sure he’s fine

**sexy one: **give it a few days to see if it gets better

**sexy one: **if it doesn’t we’ll ask him

**clever one: **Okay. Thanks Bev.

**sexy one: **:)

**ditchie > levvie**

Thursday, 4:59PM

**ditchie: **i hope that u are aware that from now on i will be using this chat to talk about eddie and eddie only

**levvie: **i don’t mind tbh

**levvie: **u gonna start being normal again?

**ditchie: **?

**levvie: **[stan’s texts.jpg]

**ditchie: **oopsy doopsy

**levvie: **????????? nice

**ditchie: **oh just u wait levvie

**ditchie: **the minute some fanciful thought crosses my mind

**ditchie: **you’ll know all about it

**Peace At Last**

Thursday, 7:24PM

**eddie's bitch: **remember when linguini brought a rat he found back to his apartment and got all embarrassed and was like it’s not much. to the rat

**Bev: **thanks for sharing rich

**my hero!!: **RATATOULLIE?????

**caillou killer: **for the last time his name isnt ratatouille its ratatouille’s monster

**eddie's bitch: **well guess what? the rat is the cook the whole time soooo

**Bev: ** ratatouille would absolutely destroy stuart little in a fight

** my hero!!: ** why would they fight?? theyre best friends

** caillou killer: ** i fucking hate stuart little

** my hero!!: ** what noooo why

**caillou killer:** stuart Little is a piece of shit damn rat got picked over actual children at an orphanage and he’s supposed to be a hero??? and I can’t even tell you how many damn times I’ve seen a great parking space only to turn the corner and realize stuart little is already parked there in his stupid little fucking convertible. he took my wife and the kids and my house and my job i swear to fucking god im going to kill myself and take that goddamn rodent to hell with me. stuart little has ruined my family. last summer, i approached the miserable mouse in the street and asked him for his autograph because my son is a huge fan and the fucking rat gave me the autograph and told me to burn in hell. Later, when i gave my son the autograph he started crying and said he hated me. turns out the mousefucker didnt write his autograph, no, he wrote “you’re a piece of shit, and i fucked your mom” and now im divorced and planning a huge class-action lawsuit against the white devil that ruined my life Your time is almost over stuart All the people you’ve wronged will rise against you

**Bev: **bill

**Bev: **why

_eddie's bitch changed caillou killer's nickname to rat boy._

**my hero!!:** that was upsetting

**eddie's bitch: **uptown rat...

**Bev: **its ok ben bill just sometimes struggles to control his anger

**eddie's bitch: **he’s been living in a paris flat..

**rat boy: **sorry gotta go we're having dinner now

**eddie's bitch: **he’s got a job inside a tall twink’s hat

**Bev: **bill i swear 2 god everytime

**eddie's bitch:**... his dad would not approve of that

**my hero: **wasn't stuart little a mouse anyway???????

**Bev: **guess them Rats are superior!!

_eddie's bitch changed the group name to Rat Lovers Anonymous._

**dick > eds**

Thursday, 11:39PM

**dick: **hey loser

**dick: **i’ve been throwing rocks at your window for ten minutes

**dick: **open up

**dick: **eds

**dick: **spaghetti man

**dick: **eddieeeeeeeee

**eds: **sorry i was listening to music i couldn’t hear you

**eds: **you haven’t shown up for the past week i assumed you’d just

**eds: **stopped

**dick: **HA

**dick: **never

**dick: **ive just been going through some shit eds

**eds: **oh

**eds: **you haven’t been feeling sad again have you?

**eds: **u weren’t at lunch today

**dick: **nah im all good eds

**dick: **just thinking mighty hard

**eds: **ok

**eds: **you’d tell me if it got bad again though right?

**eds: **I want to be there for you if it happens again

**dick: **you’ll be the first to know angel boy

**dick: **now can you open up

**dick: **its fuckn freezing out here and my nuts are about to fall off

**eds: **hate u

**dick: **no u dont :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a Slow Burn people!! rip to all of u and me too. like i said before if anybody wants to suggest any kind of plotty stuff in the comments below i would be more than grateful bc i am Unoriginal and dont have any ideas :( 
> 
> thanks for reading though!!


	4. bill the Film Bro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **rat boy: **stan please tell me u don’t still watch riverdale
> 
> **Stanley: **………
> 
> _eddie’s bitch changed the group name to LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops this took a while. couldn't think of anything new ugugugugug.
> 
> idk if it's clearly established, but ben and bev are not together Yet. but this is only a slow burn for dumb babies richie and eddie, so they will be soon.
> 
> slight spoilers for midsommar (2019) bc apparently im ari aster's bitch???

**Rat Lovers Anonymous**

Friday, 2:32AM

**Bev: **why is riverdale So Bad

**rat boy: **why are you watching it at 2am on a school night

**Bev: **who said i was watching it

**rat boy: **……

**Bev: **OK FINE

**Bev: **its like a drug and im addicted

**rat boy: **riverdale was good in its first season bc it knew what it was and made fun of itself for being kitsch and melodramatic

**rat boy: **but then people started to enjoy the show and the writers thought that it was actually decent and got too big-headed and started writing pure trash

**Bev: **uh oh bill’s gone all Film Bro again

**Bev: **somebody help

**rat boy: **there is nobody who can help you

**Bev: **number one that’s terrifying

**Bev: **number two you know damn well that richie and stan also watch it and secretly enjoy it

**Bev: **richie back me up

**rat boy: **lol he was last active two hours ago good luck sis

**Bev: **ur telling me that richies getting a good nights sleep

**Bev: **our resident insomniac??????

**Bev: **the worlds gone topsy turvy

**rat boy: **“topsy turvy”?????

**rat boy: **who are you???????

**Bev: **shut up rat boy

Friday, 7:06AM

**eddie’s bitch: **in case you haven’t noticed

**eddie’s bitch: **im weird

**eddie’s bitch: **im a weirdo

**eddie’s bitch: **i don't fit in. And i dont want to fit in

**eddie’s bitch: **have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? Thats Weird

**Bev: **richie!!!! where were u last night

**eddie’s bitch: **sorry levvie i was busy cuddling with my dear eddie spaghetti

**Bev: **WHAT

**spaghetti man <3: **we were not cuddling

**Bev: **OMFG

**eddie’s bitch: **i can confirm i hope and pray everyday that they cancel riverdale bc it’s the only way im going to stop watching that goddamn show

**spaghetti man <3: **richie made me watch an episode earlier this year w no context and they were like harvesting organs or something??

**spaghetti man <3: **and the lesbians were Cringe

**eddie’s bitch: **asdfdfdfd eddie’s official review is “the lesbians were Cringe”

**Bev: **i love cheryl and toni!!!!

**spaghetti man <3: **they’re shit

**spaghetti man <3: **betty and veronica would be 100000x better

**eddie’s bitch: **i like archie and jughead

**Bev: **asdsksksk WHY

**eddie’s bitch: **hat

**Bev: **?????????

**Stanley: **Good morning everyone. I see you are discussing Riverdale again.

**Bev: **morning stan!!! how did u sleep

**Stanley: **For the first time in many weeks, I was not woken up once.

**spaghetti man <3: **he’s so nice when he’s well rested omg

**rat boy: **stan please tell me u don’t still watch riverdale

**Stanley: **………

_eddie’s bitch changed the group name to LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN_

**Bev: **richie why would u bring up the musical episodes

**eddie’s bitch: **stan is a massive jughead

**Stanley: **At least I’m not a Dilton Doiley, you irrelevant trollop.

**Bev: **ASKSKSKSKS

_spaghetti man <3 changed eddie’s bitch’s nickname to irrelevant trollop._

**irrelevant trollop: **D:

**levvie > ditchie**

Friday, 7:48AM

**levvie: **U SLEPT OVER AT HIS HOUSE

**ditchie: **YEAH AND IM DYING

**ditchie:** HES SO GORGEOUS AND LOVELY AND GORGEOUS

**levvie: **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**ditchie: **i mean ive slept over there before but not since the Realization

**ditchie: **so im just going to be weird about it to you so im not weird about it with him

**levvie: **i support this plan

**ditchie: **also we WERE cuddling

**ditchie: **and i love him

**levvie: **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Friday, 10:58AM

**Bev: **richie and i just caught greta bowie making tik toks behind the gym

**Bev: **i don’t think ive laughed harder in my whole life

**spaghetti man <3: **omgdjvnwowpif

**irrelevant trollop: **she was doing that one that’s like wHY u sO oBsESSed w me with the dance

**Mike: **isn’t that a Mariah carey song?

**irrelevant trollop: **no its on tik tok cant u read

Friday, 2:18PM

**rat boy: **whats the movie selection for tonight lads

**Bev: **twilight

**rat boy: **no

**rat boy: **nobody wants to watch ur stinky vampire movie beverly

**spaghetti man <3: **twilight is good.......

**Bev: **here comes bill the Film Bro calling the shots on Good Movies since 1994

**Mike: **why 1994

**Bev: **that’s when pulp fiction came out

**Mike: **lmao

**rat boy: **don’t lie bev u liked pulp fiction

**Bev: **[maybeso.gif]

**Bev: **needed more mia wallace tbh

**rat boy: **valid criticism tbh

**irrelevant trollop: **i would like to watch the kissing booth again please

**Bev: **yes!!

**spaghetti man <3: **i will kill both of u in ur sleep

**irrelevant trollop: **D:

**Mike: **isn’t midsommar out now???

**Bev: **IS IT??

**rat boy: **oh yeahhhhhh

**Bev: **MIDSOMMAR MIDSOMMAR MIDSOMMAR

**Spaghetti man <3: **noooo not another horror movie

**irrelevant trollop: **its ok eddie spaghetti i’ll let u hold my hand the whole way through

**spaghetti man <3: **TWO horror movies in one night??? 2 much 4 me

**Bev: **how is holding richie’s hand a horror movie??

**spaghetti man <3: **shush

**irrelevant trollop: **after midsommar we can watch 10 things

**spaghetti man <3: **………fine

**rat boy: **i do not agree to this

**Bev: **shut up bill we know u have a crush on heath ledger

**rat boy: **i just said i thought he was an attractive guy!!

**Mike: **I think everybody on the planet thinks hes an attractive guy

**irrelevant trollop: **this is joseph gordon-levitt erasure

**spaghetti man <3: **what about jgl??

**irrelevant trollop: **JINX

**Bev: **18 year old joseph gordon-levitt is SO cute he could like steal all my money and fuck my wife but with that face i couldn't even be mad i'd just be like it's ok sweetie i love u so much do u want a juice box or something sweetie

**spaghetti man <3: **omf bev

**my hero!!: **I like apple and black currant juice boxes

**spaghetti man <3: **that’s so gross but ben is so precious

**rat boy: **ben is a total jgl tbh

**Bev: **he is!!

**my hero!!: **I love u guys

**Mike: **so we’re watching midsommar and 10 things

**Bev: **sounds good 2 me

**rat boy: **I guess.......

**irrelevant trollop: **bills just mad bc we're not watching a movie with ~audra phillips~ in it

**rat boy: **i just think shes a good actress

**irelevant trollop: **yeah sure bill that's all it is

**Mike: **my mom made apple pie!! i'll bring some for us

**irrelevant trollop: **FUCK YEAH JESS’S APPLE PIE

**Bev: **i’ll bring apple and black currant juice boxes <3

**my hero!!: **😃

**irrelevant trollop: **WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

**my hero!!: **its an emoji???

**spaghetti man <3: **MY EYES ARE BURNING

**rat boy: **IM CURSED

**my hero!!: **what’s wrong with it

**Stanley: **It is well known that the use of emojis ruins the aesthetic of the chat.

**Bev: **ben if u were anybody else u would have been forcibly removed

**Bev: **but we will allow u one (1) mistake

**spaghetti man <3: **wait is ben the only one who hasn’t been removed from the chat before??

**Bev: **yuh yuh

**my hero!!: **no way when has mike been removed

**Mike: **eddie removed me once

**irrelevant trollop: **eds how could u

**rat boy: **don’t call me that!!11!

**Bev: **DONT CALL ME THAT

**Mike: **dont call me that

**spaghetti man <3: **not my name thanks

**spaghetti man <3: **wow u guys look rly stupid rn

**Mike: **I was teasing richie bc his new glasses looked dumb and eddie removed me

**irrelevant trollop: **OH YEAH how did i forget that

**spaghetti man <3: **i don’t recall…

**irrelevant trollop: **those glasses WERE rly fucking ugly eds i cant believe u defended me

**Bev: **were those the red ones??

**irrelevant trollop: **ye

**Bev: **WOW eddie loves u

**irrelevant trollop: **ha ha good one

**Mike: **………

**rat boy: **ok my house at 8 see u then

**eddie boy > big bill**

Friday, 2:49PM

**eddie boy: **[“ha ha good one”.jpg]

**eddie boy: **WHAT DOES IT MEAN

**big bill: **[“i’ll let u hold my hand”.jpg]

**big bill: **i wouldn’t worry about it

**eddie boy: **PLEASE

**eddie boy: **he would have said that to any of u

**big bill: **bet

**eddie boy: **what

**eddie boy: **what are u doing

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Friday, 2:53PM

**rat boy: **who’s gonna hold MY hand through midsommar

**irrelevant trollop: **not me my hand is reserved for eddie and eddie only

**Bev: **i’ll hold ur hand bill!!

**rat boy: **no don’t worry about it i was just doing some science

**irrelevant trollop: **??????

**rat boy: **see u guys later

**Bev: **what’s wrong with my hand :((

**irrelevant trollop: **it’s not eddie’s

**Bev: **:(((((

**my hero!!: **don’t worry bev I’ll hold your hand!!

**Bev: **best possible outcome!! love u benny

**big bill > eddie boy**

Friday, 3:00PM

**big bill: **( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**eddie boy: **i hate u and this proves nothing

**ben handsome > richie toe hair**

Friday, 4:32PM

**ben handsome: **hey rich

**ben handsome: **I need your help

**richie toe hair: **haystack??? coming to lil old me for help???

**richie toe hair: **an honor

**richie toe hair: **what can i do for u old sport

**ben handsome: **well its just that

**ben handsome: **you’re pretty much the closest to bev out of the whole group

**ben handsome: **so I thought that you could help me

**ben handsome: **with her

**ben handsome: **and me

**ben handsome: **together

**richie toe hair: **are you asking me to help you ask her out benny ben

**ben handsome: **yeah???????

**richie toe hair: **took you long enough my good fellow!!

**richie toe hair: **i am at your service

**richie toe hair: **what do you need

**richie toe hair: **tell uncle richie

**ben handsome: **ok well

**ben handsome: **I was just wondering if you had any ideas for like

**ben handsome: **how I should ask her out

**ben handsome: **do you know what I mean?????

**richie toe hair: **oh i hear you

**richie toe hair: **just give me a minute

**ben handsome: **why what are you doing

**richie toe hair: **im just gonna ask bev what she thinks

**ben handsome: **wait no don’t do that????????

**ben handsome: **richie don’t??????????

**ben handsome: **richie??????????

**ditchie > levvie**

Friday, 4:41PM

**ditchie: **hello my beautiful wife if ben were to ask you out how would you want him to do it

**levvie: **sorry what

**ditchie: **it’s a text message read it again are u dumb

**levvie: **i don’t know wtf ur talking about trashmouth

**ditchie: **oh come on bev

**ditchie: **i know u like him how much more obvious can u be

**levvie: **RICHIE

**ditchie: **"i'll bring apple and black currant juice boxes" not subtle my dear

**levvie: **FUCK OFF

**ditchie: **and may i say i applaud your taste in men

**ditchie: **from big boy bill to our dear ben handsome?

**ditchie: **YOWZA

**levvie: **i HATE you

**ditchie: **no u don’t

**ditchie: **so go on u ben date how does he ask?

**levvie: **richie i cant

**ditchie: **ok i'll go first

**ditchie: **here’s how eddie asks me out

**ditchie: **its seven on a thursday night

**ditchie: **he pulls up to my house in a red cadillac that he nicked right off west broadway in broad daylight

**ditchie: **he turns the radio up real loud

**ditchie: **its playing cant fight this feeling by reo speedwagon

**ditchie: **i hear it from my bedroom so I go to the window and open it

**ditchie: **he’s there on the street and he starts singing to me

**ditchie: **it gets to the chorus and boom

**ditchie: **a flashmob shows up and theyre all dancing

**ditchie: **im so excited

**ditchie: **i turn around and race down the stairs before stopping on my front porch

**ditchie: **he’s still singing to me

**ditchie: **roses start raining from the sky

**ditchie: **eds walks up to me

**ditchie: **he grabs my hand

**ditchie: **and he says

**ditchie: **“wanna get out of here?”

**ditchie: **and then we run away never to be seen again

**levvie: **doesn’t your bedroom window face the backyard?

**ditchie: **godDAMMIT BEAVERLY

**levvie: **wouldn’t roses raining from the sky hurt??

**ditchie: **STOP POKING HOLES IN MY DAYDREAM WHEN YOU CANT EVEN COME UP WITH YOUR OWN

**levvie: **YEAH WELL YOUR DAYDREAM IS A LITTLE FAR FETCHED DON’T YA THINK

**ditchie: **MAYBE SO BUT AT LEAST I HAVE ONE

**levvie: **OK FINE

**levvie: **when we were younger

**levvie: **ben wrote me this really nice poem

**levvie: **but he gave it to me secretly

**levvie: **i guess if he asked me out properly i’d like him to write me another poem

**levvie: **but give it to me face to face this time

**ditchie: **fuck that’s really cute can i change mine

**levvie: **no u dramatic bitch

**levvie: **why are you asking about this anyway

**ditchie: **oh i wanted to talk about eddie without u giving me unwarranted advice so i pretended we were talking about you and ben

**levvie: **you are a little shit

**ditchie: **:(

**levvie: **but have u ever considered that instead of waiting for eddie to steal a cadillac YOU should ask HIM out

**ditchie: **good bye

**richie toe hair > ben handsome**

Friday, 4:58PM

**richie toe hair: **she likes your poems

**ben handsome: **she does?????

**richie toe hair: **yes indeed my good sir

**richie toe hair: **she wants u to write her another one

**richie toe hair: **BUT she wants u to give it to her in person this time

**ben handsome: **in person??????

**ben handsome: **wait what did you say to her

**richie toe hair: **not to worry haystack

**richie toe hair: **she thinks it was just a hypothetical

**ben handsome: **a hypothetical

**richie toe hair: **yes

**ben handsome: **about me???????

**richie toe hair: **your name did come up yes

**ben handsome: **?!?!?!?!?!?!

**richie toe hair: **yeah well she has this thing called a crush on you

**ben handsome: **a crush????

**ben handsome: **on me???????

**richie toe hair: **yes??????

**richie toe hair: **you were going to ask her out thinking she didn’t like you???????

**ben handsome: **I guess I was???????

**richie toe hair: **what the fuck?????????

**ben handsome: **I gotta go I have a poem to write!!!

**ben handsome: **thanks richie!!!!

**richie toe hair: **anytime hanscom

**richie toe hair: **what the fuck

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Friday, 6:07PM

**Bev: **im sad

**irrelevant trollop: **what why

**Bev: **we’ve had this chat for like a week and i still don’t have a nickname :(

**Stanley: **It’s been four days.

**Bev: **:(((((

_irrelevant trollop changed Bev’s nickname to Queen of All Things._

**Queen of All Things: **:)

_Queen of All Things changed irrelevant trollop’s nickname to relevant trollop._

**relevant trollop: **:)))

**eds > dick**

Friday, 8:17PM

**eds: **where are you

**eds: **they’re about to put on the movie

**eds: **richie

**eds: **if i have to watch this alone i will Die

**dick: **im on my way spaghettio

**eds: **how far

**dick: **about five mins

**eds: **hurry up

**dick: **awwwwwww

**dick: **u wanna hold my haaaAaaaAaaaAaAnd

**eds: **shut up and get here goober

**dick: **anything for u my love

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Saturday, 2:22AM

**Queen of All Things: **do u feel held by him

**Queen of All Things: **do u feel held by him

**Queen of All Things: **do u feel held by him

**Queen of All Things: **do u feel held by him

**Queen of All Things: **do u feel held by him

**Queen of All Things: **do u feel held by him

**Stanley:** We are all in the same house, in the same room. Why are you using the group chat.

**relevant trollop: **u know what? i don’t feel held by him

**Queen of All Things: **but does he feel like home to you?

**relevant trollop: **[yougotmethere.jpg]

**my hero!!: **who is He

**relevant trollop: **shhhhhh

**relevant trollop: **you’ll never know

**rat boy: **its eddie

**my hero!!: **did christian rly deserve that though??????

**relevant trollop: **u would say that wouldn’t u ben

**Queen of All Things: **leave him alone!!!!

**relevant trollop: **christian was a dick and he had to bear his punishment

**relevant trollop: **get it lol

**spaghetti man <3: **no stop

**spaghetti man <3: **i cant sleep now this shit has me fucked up

**relevant trollop: **was it the vaping??

**spaghetti man <3: **no it was the insides of an old man’s head u absolute fuckwad

**Queen of All Things: **anybody wanna wail in the communal bedroom with me?

**relevant trollop: **me please!!

**Mike: **u guys ok?

**relevant trollop: **yeah i just don’t feel held by him

**spaghetti man <3: **if u keep saying that i swear to god

**relevant trollop: **what r u gonna do

**relevant trollop: **set me on fire??

**spaghetti man <3: **stop

**relevant trollop: **beat me to death??

**spaghetti man <3: **im serious fucking stop

**relevant trollop: **put hair in my dinner??

**rat boy: **good job richie

**my hero!!: **what just happened?????

**rat boy: **eddie put his phone down and left the room

**Mike: **wait who’s moving now

**Queen of All Things: **i think that’s richie following him

**my hero!!: **I think eddie didn’t like the movie

**Stanley: **God, I hate this chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [here's the song richie wishes eddie would serenade him to.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_WYwfrMFko)
> 
> PLEASE leave me suggestions. or any feedback at all really. only praise can sustain me.


	5. dead foreigners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Jessica: **everytime u speak i dream of murdering you
> 
> **mike newton: **and everytime we kiss i swear i could fly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i managed to include some highjinks!! yay for me. also, i now have a very basic angsty plot line planned out in my head. but it's only angst. if anybody wants to lighten up the mood, leave suggestions in the comments!!
> 
> i made some very minor edits to last chapter (legit i added two lines). u might not even notice them if u reread it but by the end of the chapter it will be more obvious what the change was. thanks for reading!!

**levvie > ditchie**

Saturday, 10:33AM

**levvie: **what happened with eddie

**ditchie: **i pushed him too far as fckn usual

**levvie: **is he mad

**ditchie: **nah

**ditchie: **he was reeeeally pissed

**ditchie: **but i managed to talk him down

**levvie: **you always do

**levvie: **what did u say?

**ditchie: **he went into the bathroom and i followed him

**ditchie: **and he called me a stupid asshole yadda yadda yadda

**ditchie: **and i told him i was sorry and that i didn’t realise that he didn’t like the movie

**ditchie: **and then he hugged me and said that he didn’t want me to leave him alone

**ditchie: **and then we went back downstairs to u guys

**levvie: **oh my gOD

**levvie: **he SO likes you back

**ditchie: **no

**levvie: **!!!!!!!!!!!!

**ditchie: **stop

**levvie: **fine

**levvie: **come into the kitchen we’re making pancakes

**ditchie: **cannot do that my dear

**levvie: **? why not

**ditchie: **eddie is still asleep and wrapped around me like a baby koala bear

**levvie: **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**ditchie: **shut up

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Saturday, 2:27PM

**Mike: **theyre unveiling a new flavour at the scoop tomorrow

**Mike: **anybody want to come

**my hero!!: **me!!!!!!!!!

**Queen of All Things: **so whats the scoop

**my hero!!: **its that ice cream shop on center street we’ve been there before??????

**relevant trollop: **PENIS

**my hero!!: **oh

**my hero!!: **that’s a vine isn’t it

**Mike: **poor ben

**Queen of All Things: **i wish i could mikey but rich and i have that acting thing remember

**relevant trollop: **but im considering blowing it off bc ICE CREAM

**spaghetti man <3: **richie do not blow off the acting thing for ice cream i will kill you

**relevant trollop: **if u didn’t want me there u could just say eds :(

**spaghetti man <3: **fuck off idiot i just know how bad u wanna be an actor and i know youll regret it if u blow it off just to get ice cream

**Queen of All Things: **eddie actually cares about richie #confirmed

**relevant trollop: **:))))))))))

**spaghetti man <3: **i cant go anyway i have to go and have lunch with my aunts :/

**relevant trollop: **BOOOOOOOOOOO

**spaghetti man <3: **richie u wouldn’t be there anyway ur not missing out

**relevant trollop: **yeah but ur aunts SUCK

**spaghetti man <3: **ok true

**my hero!!: **wait whats the acting thing bev and richie are doing

**Mike: **they got cast as extras in some movie theyre filming in derry

**spaghetti man <3: **why are so many movies shot in derry

**rat boy: **its bc derry is the quintessential american small town

**relevant trollop: **so its bc we’re small and boring

**rat boy: **yep

**my hero!!: **there aren’t that many movies shot in derry are there

**rat boy: **no theres heaps

**rat boy: **they shot kings hill and sewer rats here just last year alone

**my hero!!: **sewer rats was shot in derry?????????

**Stanley: **I’m surprised you didn’t know that, Ben. It’s all Bill was saying throughout the entire movie when we saw it.

**Queen of All Things: **ben doesn’t listen to a word bill says #confirmed

**my hero!!: **no bill I do listen!!! im just forgetful!!!

**rat boy: **its ok ben i know

**Queen of All Things: **Soft Sweet boys!!!!!

**rat boy: **n e way

**rat boy: **i can probably come but id have to bring georgie

**Mike: **that’s fine!!

**relevant trollop: **wait GEORGIES GOING TO BE THERE

**relevant trollop: **edddiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee i have to go with them now

**spaghetti man <3: **NO

**spaghetti man <3: **if i cant go u cant go thems the rules

**relevant trollop: **:(((((((

**Stanley: **If Georgie is going then I will also be there.

**Mike: **cool!! see u guys tomorrow

**ditchie > levvie**

Saturday, 4:12PM

**ditchie: **slight problem my love

**ditchie: **i am out of le marijuana

**levvie: **wdym

**ditchie: **theres none left :/

**levvie: **so u mean i have to spend time in ur company completely sober

**ditchie: **8^D

**levvie: **fine

**levvie: **ill think of a way for u to make it up to me

**ditchie: **ominous

**levvie: **you bet >:)

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Sunday, 12:04AM

**relevant trollop: **brothers…i have failed u

**Stanley: **You always do, Richie.

**spaghetti man <3: **STAN OMF

**rat boy: **what did u do this time richie

**Queen of All Things: **yes tell them richie

**relevant trollop: **bev made me watch all the twilight movies

**relevant trollop: **………and i genuinely enjoyed them

**spaghetti man <3: **FINALLY

**Queen of All Things: **IT IS A BRIGHT AND GLORIOUS DAY!!!!

**rat boy: **richie how could u

**Stanley:** This is unbelievable, even for you Richie.

**Mike: **yeah i gotta go with bill and stan on this one

**relevant trollop: **i am so sorry…

**relevant trollop: **BUT NOT REALLY FUCKERS TWILIGHT IS A HOOTIN DOOTIN GOOD TIME

**Queen of All Things: **twilight is good now bitches u must accept it

**rat boy: **no

**Mike: **no

**Stanley: **No.

**spaghetti man <3: **richie who’s ur favorite character

**relevant trollop: **guess

**Stanley: **It’s the “monkey man” guy, isn’t it?

**relevant trollop: **STAN SKWEKDDWED

**Queen of All Things: **ASDFDFDFDFD

**rat boy: **what?

**Queen of All Things: **google “monkey man twilight”

**rat boy: **ok why does it come up with the official profile

**relevant trollop: **bc basically he's monky

**spaghetti man <3: **richie,, has taste??

**relevant trollop: **eds can i be your bella

**spaghetti man <3: **no

_relevant trollop changed their nickname to Bella._

_Bella changed spaghetti man <3's nickname to Edward._

**Edward: **jfc

**Bella: **i know what you are

**Stanley: **I hate this.

**Bella: **vampire

**Queen of All Things: **hey i want a twilight nickname!

_Queen of All Things changed their nickname to dr sexy carlisle cullen ;)._

**Stanley: **I really, really hate this.

**rat boy: **me too buddy

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **shut up rat boy and admit that the baseball scene was poetic cinema

**rat boy: **i will not

**Bella: **i think for me the best thing about twilight is that at its core

**Bella: **its just a story about a girl who wants to get dicked down by her monster bf

**Bella: **and there's poetry in that

**Mike: **no there isnt?????

**my hero!!: **hey guys!!

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **hi benny!!

**my hero!!: **can I have a twilight nickname too?

**Mike: **no ben not you too

_Bella changed my hero!!’s nickname to monkey man._

**monkey man: **thanks rich does this mean I’m ur favorite?

**Bella: **well since eds won’t play along i guess u are

**Edward: **edward is a sad mopey virgin i want to be somebody else

_Edward changed their nickname to Jessica._

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **easily the best character in the twilight saga

**Jessica:** thank u i know

**Bella: **wait no eds we have to be together

_Bella changed their name to mike newton._

**mike newton: **all better

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **asdfghjkl richie u are SUCH a mike newton

**Jessica: **my favorite bit out of all the novels is when bella says she would rather die than be with mike newton

**mike newton: **theres no way she says that :((

**Jessica: **"Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with,"

**Jessica: **"I'd rather die"

**mike newton: **>:0

**rat boy: **WHY do u have those quotes on hand

**Jessica: **its my favorite part i told u

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **hey did u guys know that the cullens are richer than iron man

**rat boy: **oh my god STOP ur ruining EVERYTHING

**monkey man: **saw a snail today

**monkey man: **,,,effervescent

**rat boy: **idk what shit ur spouting ben but if its not twilight related im on board

**monkey man: **um?????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **guess what dummy

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **[http://bit.ly/2mSLdg1]

**Stanley: **I wish I was dead.

Sunday, 3:10AM

**mike newton: **jesus died for me?

**mike newton: **what an idiot!

**mike newton: **i would not die for him

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **richie returns to early morning shitposting with this borderline sacrilegious thought

**mike newton: **nobody here really believes in jesus so its fine

**Jessica: **stan’s main personality trait is being jewish u fucktard

**mike newton: **YOWZA

**mike newton: **despite that being a PIPING HOT ROAST imma have to school u right now eddie spaghetti

**mike newton: **jewish people do not believe in jesus

**mike newton: **christianity is in fact an evolution of judaism that worships jesus as the messiah

**mike newton: **while jews today believe that the messiah has not yet risen and is still to come

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **huh,, i didn’t know that……

**Jessica: **i rly fucking hate it when richie’s the smartest person in the room

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **we’re not in the same room

**mike newton: **;)

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **omg are u two together AGAIN

**mike newton: **what can i say?? eddie just cant stay away

**Jessica: **we are NOT together right now

**mike newton: **probably bc im in the next room over with ur mom :/

**Jessica: **everytime u speak i dream of murdering you

**mike newton: **and everytime we kiss i swear i could fly

**monkey man: **why do richie and eddie fight like an old married couple when they’re 17 and not married

**mike newton: **we were lovers in a past life

**Jessica: **shut up idiot

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **OMFSOJDNWOFJWDIJWPF

Sunday, 10:07AM

**Stanley: **Richie is, unfortunately, correct. Eddie, I am very offended that you think being Jewish is my only personality trait.

**mike newton: **yeah

**mike newton: **what about his banal attention to grammar or his overuse of sarcasm

**Stanley: **Gee, thanks Richie.

**mike newton: **see, just like that

**Jessica: **i didn’t say it was his ONLY personality trait!!

**Jessica: **just that is was his main personality trait

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **yeah nice save eddie

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **richie u better be ready i don’t want to be late

**mike newton: **im already waiting on charter bitch

**Mike: **I forgot to ask which movie u guys were shooting

**mike newton: **its a porno

**mike newton: **and we're not extras we're the stars

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **shut up dipshit

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **we dont know

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **we've just been told that its some kind of horror thriller with a scene involving high school students

**mike newton: **the shooting title is "dead foreigners" which is pretty sexy if i do say so myself

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **enjoy ur ice cream boys!!! :)))

**mike newton: **i wish i could say that i wanted to go with u but,, i got bev so who's the real winner here

**Jessica: **wow ok

**mike newton: **:P

**Mike: **be good

**mike newton: **michael!!

**mike newton: **we always are

**Mike: **..........

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **name one time when we weren't

**Stanley: **Remember when Mrs. Dumont hired you to clean her house and all you did was vaccuum before sitting down and lighting up on her couch?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ok that was one time

**Stanley: **Or that time when the two of you got detention on a Friday and you snuck out of the window when Mr. Robson fell asleep?

**mike newton: **ok sorry for being naughty boys and girls we won't do it anymore

**Stanley: **No, please continue. It's really funny when you get caught.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **gee thanks stan

**Stanley: **And remember, children; if you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing.

**mike newton: **STANAKLSDNOCFJOEN

**Mike: **we're all going to hell 

**eddie boy > big bill**

Sunday, 10:58AM

**eddie boy: **i think richie likes bev

**big bill: **eddie ffs COME ON

**big bill: **this is getting ridiculous

**eddie boy: **its not ridiculous

**eddie boy: **they’ve been hanging out all the time lately

**eddie boy: **skipping class and doing homework and watching all the fckn twilight movies apparently

**big bill: **eddie we hang out all the time too

**eddie boy: **yeah and i used to have a big fat crush on you!!

**big bill: **for FUCKS SAKE

**big bill: **bev likes ben anyway

**eddie boy: **that doesn’t mean richie cant like her

**big bill: **eddie you’ve gone mad

**big bill: **like actually nuts

**eddie boy: **fuckn whatever

**eddie boy: **i have to go theyre putting lunch on the table

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Sunday, 12:34PM

**mike newton: **ok so uh no big deal

**mike newton: **but uhhhh

**mike newton: **bev and i just saw audra phillips

**rat boy: **WHAT

**Mike: **uh oh

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **anyone have eyes on bill? has he fainted??

**Mike: **he dropped his phone

**Stanley: **I think he’s gone into shock.

**monkey man: **wait no he’s picking his phone back up!!

**rat boy: **AOEJFNWROBGPFJPF

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oh my fckn god she fckn ded

**rat boy: **YOU’VE MET AUDRA PHILLIPS AND IM SITTING HERE EATING ICE CREAM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ok we didn’t meet her we just saw her

**rat boy: **THEYRE SHOOTING KILLING STRANGERS IN DERRY AND U GUYS DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ME

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **scroll up numbnuts and youll see we didn’t know either

**rat boy: **I CANT BELIEVE YOU TWO MORONS GET TO MEET AUDRA FUCKING PHILLIPS AND IM STUCK BABYSITTING MY LITTLE FUCKING BROTHER

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ok number one we probably wont even get to meet her

**mike newton: **AND NUMBER TWO HOW DARE YOU SPEAK ABOUT OUT LORD AND SAVIOUR GEORGE DENBROUGH THAT WAY

**Mike: **richie really isn’t holding off with the blasphemy today

**Stanley: **He’s right. Georgie is our God.

**Mike: **bill’s dropped his phone again

**Mike: **I think he’s about to have a stroke

**Stanley: **Should you two be on your phones anyway? Aren’t you meant to be shooting?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **we’re on a lunch break right now

**Jessica: **i cant believe u guys are meeting audra phillips while im stuck here listening to my aunts debate politics

**Mike: **yeah I think eddie pulled the worst straw here

**mike newton: **whats on the political agenda for today

**Jessica: **~abortion~

**Jessica: **theyre all pro-life of course

**mike newton: **easy for them to say

**mike newton: **its not like theyre pushing any foetuses out of their wrinkly old vaginas anytime soon

**Jessica: **thanks for the mental image trashmouth

**mike newton: **anytime :)

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **how did u escape

**Jessica: **im in the bathroom

**Jessica: **god im so fucking pissed i don’t think i can hold it in

**rat boy: **deep breaths eddie!!

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **that was surprisingly nice bill???

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **WAIT

**Stanley: **Georgie has taken Bill’s phone.

**mike newton: **HI GEORGIE!!!!!!!!!!!

**rat boy: **HI MIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**rat boy: **I mean

**rat boy: **HI RICARDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**rat boy: **I got confused by the names

**Jessica: **i feel 10x better already thanks georgie

**rat boy: **:D

**rat boy: **bev and richie you made billy’s face go all red and now he’s got his head on the table and he wont move

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oops?

**Jessica: **what kind of ice cream did you get georgie??

**rat boy: **lemon and rum and raisin and chunky monkey

**Jessica: **what an interesting combination

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **what was the new flavour mikey

**Mike: **popcorn

**monkey man: **it was not bad

**Stanley: **It was disgusting actually.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **shoot richie and i have to go theyre calling us

**Jessica: **yeah i should go to they’ll start to wonder where i am

**rat boy: **see you guys later!!

**mike newton: **i love u georgie porgie pudding and pie

**rat boy: **love you too richie!!!

**dick > eds**

Sunday, 4:58PM

**dick: **did you survive lunch?

_Audra Phillips created the group._

_Audra Phillips added Bev Marsh._

_Audra Phillips added Richie Tozier._

Sunday, 5:34PM

**Audra: **it was really cool meeting you guys today!! ur so nice wtf

**Bev: **why is the film star saying that it was cool for HER to meet US

**Richie: **bev shhhhh ur ruining my image in front of the film star

**Audra: **asdfdfdfd jfc so im “the film star” now huh

_Richie Tozier changed Audra Phillips’s nickname to the film star._

**Bev: **richie kfkwnfvdjorf

**the film star: **ffs lmao

**the film star: **anYWAY

**the film star: **like I was saying earlier today was just a prelim shoot

**the film star: **but starting friday im gonna be in derry for a bit while we finish the movie

**the film star: **it would be cool if we could hang out sometime

**Bev: **ok im gonna be honest w you rn

**Bev: **i am trying VERY hard not to fangirl 

**Bev: **but yes!! hanging out would be awesome sauce

**Richie: **i'll have to see if i can squeeze you in

**Richie: **im a busy man

**the film star: **asdfdfdfd

**Richie: **ok fine we'll hang out with you

**Richie: **but i want 50% of your earnings on killing strangers

**the film star: **that's all it costs to hang out with you?? easy done

**Richie: **wow ok im in love

**levvie > ditchie**

Sunday, 6:17PM

**levvie: **do u think bill will kill us if we tell him that we befriended his idol

**ditchie: **honestly???? yeah

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Sunday, 8:58PM

**mike newton: **@rat boy did u recover from ur little hissy fit this morning? 

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **"hissy fit" psjsjsjs

**rat boy: **ok so i went a little overboard

**rat boy: **imagine how youd have felt if brad pitt was in town

**Mike: **dont bring up richie's brad pitt obsession eddie will only get jealous

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i feel like brad pitt and audra phillips are kinda maybe in different leagues just a teensy little bit

**mike newton: **ok i dont even like brad pitt that much

**rat boy: **yeah ok sure

**mike newton: **I DONT

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **richie sweetie you do

**mike newton: **oh yeah prove it

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ok well there was that one time that you got drunk and then we watched fight club and u cried through the whole thing bc

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **and i quote

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **"he's just so pretty it hurts"

**monkey man: **lol was that the night that richie told eddie that brad pitt was prettier than him and eddie stormed out??

**Mike: **shit yeah I remember that

**mike newton: **lay off eds isnt even here to protect his good name

**Stanley: **Where is Eddie, anyway?

**Stanley: **Did anybody hear from him this afternoon? 

**rat boy: **i wouldn't worry too much

**rat boy: **his phone might have died while he was at his aunts house or he could be doing homework or sleeping

**monkey man: **its kind of weird

**monkey man: **normally he'd be complaining about how much his aunts suck

**mike newton: **ok lets not put out an amber alert until its been at least 24 hours

**mike newton: **eddie will be fine and we'll see him tomorrow

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **rich is right lets not worry until it becomes urgent

**dick > eds**

Sunday, 10:43PM

**dick: **[1 audio attachment: "Hey Eds. You haven't responded to any of my messages yet so I'm gettin' kinda worried. I don't know if you're mad at me or something...but if you are I'm sorry for whatever I did. You could still talk to the rest of the group, even if you were. So just let us know, okay? Love ya, Eds."]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so i decided to include audra bc i love her for some reason,, but anYWAY
> 
> where is eddie?? is he ok?? (lets be real we all Know where eddie is)
> 
> be sure to leave any suggestions for things you'd like to see in the comments below!! thank u for reading xo


	6. eddie goes awol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **mike newton: **master has called dobby a slur
> 
> **mike newton: **master is cancelled!!
> 
> **mike newton: **dobby is free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the longest chapter i've written so far and i actually had to split it in two bc it was so long. what i mean is, this chapter's a bit of a mess. but hopefully a Good Mess!! prepare yourselves for plot and unnecessary angst and a segment i like to call "Richie and Eddie Won't Stop Arguing" :)
> 
> warning for homophobic language used in quotation

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Monday, 9:21AM

**mike newton: **why has greta bowie spent the entirety of english staring at me

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **she found out you’re the author of Caillou and Gilbert Kinky Time ;) and she wants ur autograph

**monkey man: **I do not trust her

**mike newton: **suspicious ben is valid ben

**mike newton: **i spent all saturday night watching her tik toks and i do not trust her either

**mike newton: **there is no way she has a human soul :)

**rat boy: **richie whats ur tik tok username

**mike newton: **sorry bill i dont post on tik tok :/

**mike newton: **yet

**Stanley: **Dear God, don't encourage him.

**rat boy: **i dont want to watch ur tik toks tozier i want ur username

**mike newton: **richiet69

**Mike: **of course it is

**rat boy: **yeah when u watch someones tik toks they get a notification w ur username

**rat boy: **so thats probably why she's looking at u

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oh my godSKFJFVVNSNV

**mike newton: **good

**mike newton: **she should know im her biggest tik tok fan 8^)

**Stanley: **One day, you are going to get murdered. And I will not do anything to stop it.

**mike newton: **stan :'')

**dick > eds**

Monday, 9:26AM

**dick: **ok ur definitely not at school so im Officially worried

**dick: **did one of ur aunts sit on u by accident???

**dick: **did u finally take too big a hit from ur inhaler and choke???

**dick: **are u lost in the sewers???

**dick: **if u are lost in the sewers thats rly rude bc i would have come with u :/

**dick: **ha ha im so funny!!!

**dick: **whatever

**dick: **msg me back when u read these :(

**big bill > eddie boy**

Monday, 9:31AM

**big bill: **where ya at buddy??

**daddy issues > mommy issues**

Monday, 9:46AM

**daddy issues:** hey angel boy

**daddy issues:** we're all getting kinda worried

**daddy issues:** let us know that ur ok!!

**daddy issues:** <3

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Monday, 10:01AM

**monkey man: **so nobodys heard from eddie?????????

**mike newton: **ive been messaging him all night but no response

**mike newton: **hes not been active on fb and hes not showing up on snapmaps

**mike newton: **idk what else to do :////

**Stanley: **What's the last we heard of him?

**Mike: **about 1 yesterday

**Mike: **he was hiding in the bathroom remember

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **he was pissed off with his aunts

**mike newton: **oh fucking hell he definitely said something and now hes in the shit

**rat boy: **we dont KNOW that he said something

**mike newton: **hello?? its eddie

**mike newton: **he does NOT hold back when hes angry

**Stanley: **Richie has a point...

**monkey man: **I don't see what else could have happened??????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **this whole thing reeks of sonia's involvement

**rat boy: **ok then i'll go over to eddie's after school and see him

**mike newton: **im coming too

**Stanley: **Richie, are you sure that's a good idea?

**mike newton: **the fucks that supposed to mean

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **richie i think he just means that eddie's mom isnt the biggest fan of you

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **of any of us really

**Stanley: **Exactly. If we don't want to get turned away at the door we should send the people she hates the least.

**Mike: **not me then lol

****dr sexy carlisle cullen ;):**** dont worry mikey im right there with u

**Stanley: **She doesn't like me either.

**Stanley: **Bill and Ben are our best bet.

**mike newton: **i guess youre right :(

**dick > eds**

Monday, 1:44PM

**dick: **im going nuts dude

**dick: **spanish is mad fucking boring without you

**dick: **nobodys told me im stupid in 24 straight hours

**dick: **i think i can feel my head getting bigger

**dick: **i miss you spaghetti

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Monday, 4:09PM

**rat boy: **so that was a fucking bust

**mike newton: **what happened

**monkey man: **we went to eddie's house and mrs k answered the door

**monkey man: **and we told her we were worried about eddie and that we wanted to see him

**rat boy: **she said that hes sick and cant have any visitors

**rat boy: **when we asked why he wasnt answering any of our calls she said that his phone was giving him headaches so she took it away

**mike newton: **thats fucking bullshit man

**mike newton: **i should have known straight away that this was her pulling one of her shitty stunts

**Mike: **dont worry about it too much richie

**Stanley: **Yeah, she's done this before but Eddie always ends up being okay.

**mike newton: **yeah hes fine on the outside but hes always a bit more distant and a bit more fucked up than the last time she messed with him

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ****;): **im sure he'll be ok rich

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **he's got you

**dick > eds**

Monday, 11:32PM

**dick: **so i know u cant answer

**dick: **but im making myself sick with worry

**dick: **like am i meant to sit here watching yt when i have no idea how youre doing???

**dick: **this is stupid

**dick: **shit eds i hate your mom

**dick: **thats not even one of my shitty jokes like she genuinely sucks

**dick: **fuck it

**dick: **im coming over

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Monday, 11:53PM

**mike newton: **hey guys its eddie im using richies phone

****dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): ****EDDIE THANK FUCK

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **we were really worried

**rat boy: **are you actually sick

**mike newton: **what do u think einstein

**mike newton: **sorry

**mike newton: **no im not my moms just mad at me so she invented a fever

**monkey man: **what happened???????????

**mike newton: **so i finished texting you guys and i went back to lunch

**mike newton: **and my aunts had a new topic of conversation they were debating

**mike newton: **and by debating i mean they were just agreeing with each other to fuel their respective self satisfaction

**mike newton: **take a guess at the next topic of political discussion!!1!!1!

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oh eddie :/

**mike newton: **shit talking about how gays are ruining the social order or whatever the fuck

**mike newton: **which is fine or whatever i gave up on changing their minds a long time ago

**mike newton: **but uh

**mike newton: **my mom brought up richie

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **????? wtf

**mike newton: **yeah she was like

**mike newton: **there's this awful boy that eddie knows

**mike newton: **everybody in town knows hes a dirty little queer

**mike newton: **i dont know why eddie goes anywhere near him

**mike newton: **and i was like who are u talking about

**mike newton: **and she was like

**mike newton: **that awful tozier boy boohoohoo

**mike newton: **and all my aunts jumped in and were like oh thats terrible gays are awful the country is a travesty jesus is crying blah blah blah

**mike newton: **and i just lost it

**mike newton: **like i was already at my limit and their bullshit pushed me over the edge

**rat boy: **jesus christ

**mike newton: **i stood up and they all looked at me all shocked and i just let them have it

**mike newton: **i was like you are all disgusting women and i am ashamed to be related to you

**mike newton: **and my mom kept telling me to sit down

**mike newton: **but i kept going like

**mike newton: **i said "im so sorry that the devil has made his home in your heart. i'll pray that god will grant you empathy to accept those who are different to you"

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **OH MY GOD EDDIE

**mike newton: **my mom was like fuming she was like ooooh eddie i dont know why youre defending those people

**mike newton: **and i was like ITS BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE MOM

**mike newton: **THATS RIGHT IM CAPITAL G GAY

**mike newton: **ALL I THINK ABOUT ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT IS PUTTING BIG FAT COCKS IN MY MOUTH

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **omfgjofhweksdaksvsefk

**monkey man: **eddie oh my god?????????

**mike newton: **so yeah in conclusion i came out to my mom

**Stanley: **Let me guess; she didn't believe you, right?

**mike newton: **omg stan i cant believe ur awake

**Stanley: **I left my phone on in case there was news. I was worried about you.

**mike newton: **<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

**mike newton: **but yeah ur right

**mike newton: **she told me i was confused and then she locked me in my room and took my phone

**mike newton: **guys idk what to do

**rat boy: **look, i know ur sick of hearing this ed

**rat boy: **but all u can really do is stand up to her

**mike newton: **bill, ive tried

**mike newton: **she never listens

**Stanley: **You've just got to stand your ground this time. Tell her that you're not a kid anymore, and if she can't respect you for who you are then you'll leave her forever.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **holy shit stan

**mike newton: **thanks guys

**mike newton: **i should go

**mike newton: **i'll talk to my mom tomorrow

**eds > dick**

Tuesday, 10:51AM

**eds: **these texts,, im crying??

**dick: **omg did you get ur phone back????

**eds: **no this is mrs k sike

**eds: **u fuckn idiot

**eds: **obv i got my phone back

**dick: **u were so sweet,, for five seconds,,,,

**eds:** i have my limits

**eds: **but for the record im sorry i worried u

**eds: **love u reach

**dick: **<3 love u 2 spaghetti man

**dick: **u gonna tell the others??

**eds: **im on it like donkey kong-it

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Tuesday, 10:22AM

**Jessica: **i got my phone back :)))

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **EDDIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

**Mike: **what did you say to your mom?

**Jessica: **it was like you guys said

**Jessica: **i told her that im not a kid anymore and that she cant control me if she doesnt want me to....hate her forever

**rat boy: **that sounds.....surprisingly easy?????

**Jessica: **oh it wasnt 

**Jessica: **there was,, a lot of crying

**mike newton: **oh so THATS why she wasnt in the mood earlier :/

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **richie eddie has been back for 2 seconds maybe cool it with the ur mom jokes???

**Jessica: **surprisingly,, i am in 2 good a mood 2 care

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oh my god its Soft Eddie

**mike newton: **we missed ya eds

**Jessica: **<3

**Jessica: **thanks for checking on me reach

**rat boy: **oh god eddies calling richie "reach" again this is too soppy 4 me 

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **STOP ITS SWEET

_Jessica changed rat boy's nickname to (b)rat boy._

**Jessica: **Soft Eddie has his limits

_mike newton changed Jessica's nickname to sweet but a psycho._

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **richard why

**mike newton: **i have the song stuck in my head

**sweet but a psycho: **,,why????

**mike newton: **uh

**mike newton: **i was watching more of greta bowie's tik toks???????

**sweet but a psycho: **u r an idiot

Tuesday, 12:03PM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **someone remind me why i took art challenge

**monkey man: **you thought it would be easy

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i was wrong :(

**Stanley: **I remember in my fifth grade art class we were making little clay statues but mine came out really bad so I left a big air pocket in it so it would explode when the teacher put it in the kiln and it exploded so hard it destroyed ten other kids’s statues and they were all on the verge of tears but I thought it was really funny I still do.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oh,, my god,,,,

**(b)rat boy: **stan u ok

**mike newton: **ONE OF THOSE STATUES WAS MINE YOU FUCKING BASTARD

**sweet but a psycho: **richie urs was a sculpture of a penis

**sweet but a psycho: **we're lucky it was destroyed

**mike newton: **it was,, my greatest creation,,,

**sweet but a psycho: **if that was ur best i'd hate to see ur worst

**mike newton: **:(((

_mike newton changed sweet but a psycho's nickname to big meanie._

**big meanie: **>:)

**(b)rat boy: **lets be honest

**(b)****rat boy: **there are no circumstances under which anybody could consider eddie "big"

**mike newton: **oh shit u right

_mike newton changed big meanie's nickname to baby meanie._

**baby meanie: **ok fuck u guys

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **:))))

**jonathan > jordan**

Tuesday, 2:21PM

**jonathan: **hey bev, could we talk after school??

**jordan: **sure thing benny ben

**jordan: **where do u want me

**jonathan: **south entrance by the bike rack????

**jordan: **okey dokey, see u there :)

**levvie > ditchie**

Tuesday, 4:06PM

**levvie: **soooooooo

**levvie:** ben just asked me out

**ditchie: **haystack comes thru!!

**ditchie: **should i be jealous??

**levvie: **oh absolutely im definitely leaving you

**levvie: **funny thing though

**levvie: **he gave me a poem and said "sorry i didnt do this in person last time"

**ditchie: **wow just like you wanted??

**ditchie: **what a weird coincidence

**levvie: **u aint slick rich

**ditchie: **;)

**LET US BE SEVENTEEEEEEEEN**

Tuesday, 7:39PM

**Mike: **[benandsomeducks.jpg]

**Mike: **we saw a mama duck and her babies crossing the road so ben stopped the traffic so they'd be safe

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **omg that is such a fckn hufflepuff thing to do

**(b)rat boy: **holy shit

**(b)rat boy: **in all our years of friendship,, we've never discussed hogwarts houses???

**Mike: **that can't be right

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **bill is obvi gryffindor

**(b)rat boy: **i am going to take that as a compliment

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **u should bill im a gryffindor too!!

**mike newton: **ME TOO

**(b)rat boy: **fuck i quit i want to be in a different house

**mike newton: **too late :)))

**monkey man: **im a hufflepuff :)

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **of course you are sweet ben

**Mike: **same here

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **my two angel boys!!

**Stanley: **Is it really a question as to which house I’m in?

**(b)rat boy: **yeah we get it mr grammar nazi ur a ravenclaw

**baby meanie: **>:)

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **wait eddie what are you

**baby meanie: **>:)

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;):** tf does that mean

**mike newton: .............**eddie thinks he’s a slytherin

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **HA

**baby meanie: **shut up bev i am

**(b)rat boy:** seriously ed?

**baby meanie: **where else would you put me?

**baby meanie: **can u really honestly say you would put me in hufflepuff

**baby meanie: **bitch

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ok not hufflepuff then

**Mike: **you're brave eddie! you could be a gryffindor

**baby meanie: **maybe but im not a reckless moron like the three stooges here

**mike newton: **D:

**(b)rat boy: **well what about ravenclaw? ur smart

**baby meanie: **but im also not a stuck up stick in the mud

**mike newton: **jeez he just roasted each and every one of us

**mike newton: **maybe he is a fuckn slytherin after all

**baby meanie: **thank you!!!!!

**baby meanie: **slut

**mike newton: **D:

**mike newton: **master has called dobby a slur

**mike newton: **master is cancelled!!

**mike newton: **dobby is free

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **jk rowling is Q U A K I N G rn

_mike newton changed the group name to hey eds can i slytherin ;)._

**baby meanie: **shut up gryffinwhore

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **EJNVCJDDPWJD

_(b)rat boy changed mike newton's nickname to gryffinwhore._

**gryffinwhore: **master has snatched dobbys wig!!

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **dobby wants richie to shut the fuck up

**gryffinwhore: **D:

Wednesday, 2:13AM

**gryffinwhore: **scooby doo teens be like if we don’t go around in a van looking for criminals who will. who fucking will

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **...............ok

**(b)rat boy: **scooby doo is Good

**(b)rat boy: **but sometimes it hurts my brian

**gryffinwhore: **your brian

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **poor brian

**(b)rat boy: **hurts my BRAIN*** fuck u guys

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **why does it hurt ur brian??

**(b)rat boy: **shaggy and scooby always run away side by side when fleeing in terror from a monster. if a great danes running speed is 30-40 mph that means that shaggy can run at the same speed this means that shaggy is the fastest human alive beating usain bolts top speed of 27 mph

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **honestly bill go to bed

**(b)rat boy: **ok fine sorry for sharing my thoughts

**gryffinwhore: **they always say “scooby-dooby-doo, where are you?” but never “scooby-dooby-doo, h o w are you?” :(

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **good BYE

**eds > dick**

Wednesday, 7:12AM

**eds: **u coming to pick me up?

**dick: **omw

**hey eds can i slytherin ;)**

Wednesday, 1:47PM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **feeling pretty amy adams muffled screaming gif isabelle adjani in the subway in possession (1981) nobody by mitski but it’s playing on the radio while you have a breakdown in your car outside the grocery store oh ariana we’re really in it now dot jpeg to be honest

**(b)rat boy: **uh bev u ok?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **fiona apple this mitski that sylvia plath virginia woolf sticks and mud and magic and feral feral feral feral male fantasies margaret atwood voice amy dunne was right killing eve jenny holzer anne sexton mary oliver sticks mud sticks mud

**monkey man: **i dont understand???????

**baby meanie: **we had miss hartigan as a sub in english today

**(b)rat boy: **ok????

**Mike: **wait is she the super feminist one

**gryffinwhore: **u bet she is mikey

**gryffinwhore: **bevs been hit with a wave of revivalist feminism so now shes copying and pasting posts from the feminist tag on tumblr into the chat

**Mike: **oh ok

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **men be like oh no,, my ego, my poor ego! oh woman, could you spare a stroke? stroke my ego just once? oh, you refuse? that’s fine, i don’t mind. i diagnose you with whore

**baby meanie: **asdfserfjdoifnovnc omg

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **of course the first ever sin was a woman eating

**gryffinwhore: **the Tea is piping hot

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **men are like “amy dunne is a sociopath” and then go jack off to their tyler durden posters

**(b)rat boy: **@richie

**Stanley: **Can we not bring up the Brad Pitt thing again?

**baby meanie: **when were u talking about brad pitt

**gryffinwhore: **I WANT TO HAVE A GO

**gryffinwhore: **men are like i cheat on my wife ... to cope

**monkey man: **cope with w h a t?????????????????????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **exactly benjamin

_dr sexy carlisle cullen ;) changed the group name to amy dunne did nothing wrong._

Wednesday, 3:52PM

**monkey man: **eddie!!!

**baby meanie: **i know!!!

**monkey man: **EDDIE!!!!!

**baby meanie: **I KNOW!!!!!

**Mike: **what happened lol

**monkey man: **u know that senior guy in eddies apush class that he thinks is kinda cute

**gryffinwhore: **wait what since when

**Mike: **alex??

**monkey man: **that’s the one

**baby meanie: **he just asked me to a party at his house saturday night

**gryffinwhore: **like alex hernandez???

**Mike: **good for you eddie!!

**gryffinwhore: **fuck that

**baby meanie: **what??

**gryffinwhore: **come to my house instead

**baby meanie: **will your house have alex there

**gryffinwhore: **well no

**gryffinwhore: **but lets be honest here

**baby meanie: **lets not

**gryffinwhore: **just bc he invited you doesn’t mean ur going to talk to him if you go

**Mike: **richie wtf

**baby meanie: **i said don’t thanks

**gryffinwhore: **im just saying!! he's straight and he has a gf

**baby meanie: **i really dont see why its any concern of yours

**gryffinwhore: **youre my friend and i dont want him to screw you over

**baby meanie: **newsflash dickhead!! im not a complete fucking idiot 

**baby meanie: **sometimes its just nice to let yourself wish

**baby meanie: **its not like i have any realistic options anyway

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **eddie!! dont say that :(

**Stanley: **Only 35% of people date in high school.

**Stanley: **Blame Bill and Bev for knocking the rest of us out of the running.

**(b)rat boy: **hey!!! not my fault that bev and i had enough balls to say that we liked each other

**baby meanie: **what the fucks that supposed to mean bill

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **??????????????????

**(b)rat boy: **i have to go my moms calling me

**monkey man: **dont u have baseball practice on wednesdays?????

**(b)rat boy: **oh yeah

**(b)rat boy: **i gotta go i have baseball practice

**levvie > ditchie**

Wednesday, 4:13PM

**levvie: **ok what the fuck

**ditchie: **bev i rly dont need u to yell at me right now

**levvie: **BITCH

**levvie: **I AM NOT HERE TO YELL AT YOU

**levvie: **ok i just realized the irony in those messages

**levvie: **anyway

**levvie: **i am your closest confidant, supporter and friend

**levvie: **and EVEN THOUGH u were acting like a little bitch just then

**levvie: **i am saying wtf on YOUR behalf bc i know ur about to go into one of ur sulks and refuse to talk to anyone

**ditchie:** ..........

**ditchie: **ok WHAT THE FUCK

**levvie: **i have never heard anything about this fckn alex guy

**levvie: **which means these rats were hiding it from me

**ditchie: **what about me??? eddie is my best friend but he still didnt tell me

**ditchie: **alSO WHAT THE FUCK DID BILL MEAN

**ditchie: **fuck bev do u think he knows??

**levvie: **i reallyyyyy dont know

**ditchie: **im about to have an aneurysm my brain hurts

**levvie: **come over we can talk about it

**ditchie: **ok

**stananthan > billiam**

Wednesday, 7:00PM

**stanathan: **The group chat is really quiet.

**stanathan: **I don't like it.

**billiam: **lmao first ur like "everybody in here gives me a headache"

**billiam: **but now its too quiet??????

**stanathan: **What did you mean about you and Bev "having the balls to say you liked each other"?

**billiam: **nothing it was stupid

**stanathan: **Bill.

**billiam: **uh

**billiam: **ok come on richie and eddie clearly like each other

**stanathan: **Thank god, I thought I was the only one who'd noticed.

**billiam: **its kinda hard not to notice....

**stanthan: **Are we going to do anything to help them?

**billiam: **no

**stanathan: **Why not?

**billiam: **bc its more fun to watch them suffer :)

**amy dunne did nothing wrong**

Thursday, 9:36AM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **happy kevin sucks thursday

**monkey man: **what's kevin sucks thursday??????????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **why would we ever tell u kevin

**monkey man: **????????????

**Mike: **its another vine ben

**monkey man: **oh

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **poor ben

**baby meanie: **some people just don't get vine

**baby meanie: **and thats ok ben

**monkey man: **thanks eddie :/

**baby meanie: **that's my OPINION

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ADAM

**(b)rat boy: **i cant believe youve done this

**monkey man: **whats happening???????

**Mike: **honey you've got a big storm coming

**baby meanie: **so no head?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **can i PLEASE get a waffle

**(b)rat boy: **bitch i hope the fuck you do

**baby meanie: **he needs some milk

**monkey man: **guys please stop im scared???????

**(b)rat boy: **YOU BETTER STOP

**dr sexy carlisle cullen: **stahp i coulda dropped my croissant >:(

**Stanley: **Guys, leave Ben alone.

**monkey man: **oh my god finally

**monkey man: **stan you understand my pain don't you????

**Stanley: **That is not correct.

**monkey man: **???????????

**Stanley: **Because according to the encyclopedia of spdksfwfjedkedwdjo...

**(b)rat boy: **ASDDDFDGDSJGFOI STAN

Thursday, 4:48PM

**baby meanie: **thinking about how much my aunts suck

**baby meanie: **like they just suck

**baby meanie: **like what do they expect me to do

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **just stop being gay <3 it’s easy

**baby meanie: **being gay isn’t a choice

**baby meanie: **it’s a game and im winning

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **eddie you’ve never even kissed anyone youre definitely losing

**baby meanie: **uh fuck u i actually have kissed someone thank u very much

**Stanley: **Richie’s sloppy cheek kisses don’t count.

**baby meanie: **double fuck u guys it wasn’t richie wtf

**Mike: **wtf who did u kiss then

**baby meanie: **uh

**(b)rat boy: **ffs do u guys remember that ukrainian exchange student we had last year

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **the one who looked like richie without glasses????

**monkey man: **I remember him!!

**monkey man: **what was his name again????????

**gryffinwhore: **he didn’t look like me

**baby meanie: **he did NOT look like richie

**Mike: **wait so eddie you made out with him?

**baby meanie: **yeahhhhh

**(b)rat boy: **not just once either

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **bill how tf do u know all this

**(b)rat boy: **eddie tells me everything

**Mike: **I cant believe we’re just finding out about this now!!!!!

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **yeah wtf we were all busy being 10th graders and eddies out here playing tonsil tennis with some richie look-a-like

**monkey man: **his name is on the tip of my tongue!!!!!

**gryffinwhore: **fuck off that kid was a depressing junkie alcoholic loser and im nothing like him

**baby meanie: **youre a fucking dick richie he was really nice

**gryffinwhore: **yeah well maybe he was nicer to people he wanted to suck face with

**(b)rat boy: **jeez rich the kid was 5000 miles away from home i think he was allowed to be a little upset

**(b)rat boy: **and are u srsly acting like you don’t drink or smoke????

**gryffinwhore: **fckn sorry!!! didn’t realize we all loved the foreign exchange student so much!!!

**baby meanie: **god richie whats your fucking problem

**baby meanie: **we all listened to u talk about how aaaawesome the handjob u got from lisa albrecht was

**baby meanie: **not to mention the week you spent talking about how great bradley donovan was at necking

**baby meanie: **but oh! the second that little baby eddie finds a guy he’s the devil incarnate

_gryffinwhore has left the group._

**baby meanie: **oh yeah real mature

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oh my god

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **did that really just happen

**(b)rat boy: **what the fuck

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **did richie just leave the group of his own accord

**monkey man: **boris!!!

**Mike: **what

**monkey man: **his name was boris

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **whose??

**monkey man: **the exchange student

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oh

**Stanley: **You are all on crack, I swear to god.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see what i did there with boris *wink wink*
> 
> prepare yourselves for next chapter which will have: a party, more arguing, scheming, more audra, and peak idiocy
> 
> feel free to war with me in the comments about the hogwarts houses (look eddie could fit in pretty much any of the hogwarts houses so i claimed him for myself i needed some slytherin rep among the losers), or leave any feedback or suggestions. your comments make my day :)
> 
> thanks for reading!!


	7. mom and dad are fighting again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **(b)rat boy: **sometimes i like to drink milk straight from the container
> 
> **monkey man: **the COW????????????????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i feel like this chapter is kinda Bad but it is what it is. all aboard the angst train heading east lol.
> 
> (i DID manage to include some stan and bev friendship.. which i always forget about,, but i love??? anyway,, read on)

**levvie > ditchie**

Thursday, 5:22PM

**levvie: **jfc jealous much

**ditchie: **get off my dick

**levvie: **sometimes i wish i didnt love u unconditionally

**levvie: **it would make it so much easier for me to take sides

**ditchie: **fine 

**ditchie: **take his side then

**levvie: **richie

**levvie: **u have to tell him

**ditchie: **wtf no

**levvie: **dude think about how you look to eddie right now

**levvie: **he thinks ur shitting on him for no reason and it makes u look like a massive dickhead

**ditchie: **yeah well maybe i am a massive dickhead

**levvie: **ffs you are such a CHILD

**ditchie: **why are u bothering then

**ditchie: **im useless and youre wasting your time

**levvie: **uh

**levvie: **SCROLL UP dickard

**levvie: **in case u havent realized i LOVE YOU. UNCONDITIONALLY

**levvie: **and u are definitely NOT useless

**levvie: **you are good and kind and funny and loyal and honest and SEXY AS FUCK

**levvie: **i will love you for the rest of time forever

**ditchie: **ok fuck u im crying

**levvie: **dont go to your dark place richie

**levvie: **i cant stand to see you sad

**ditchie: **its not that easy bev

**levvie: **i know it isnt

**levvie: **but just t a l k to me

**levvie: **it might make it just that little bit easier

**ditchie: **ok well im mad

**ditchie: **and i hate it when eddie talks about other guys even though i shouldnt be

**levvie: **im sorry rich :(

**ditchie: **just give me a bit of time to cool off and i'll apologize ok

**levvie: **ok <3 

**the film star, Bev Marsh, Richie Tozier**

Thursday, 10:12PM

**the film star: **hey guys i land at 12pm tomorrow

**the film star: **do u wanna hang out tomorrow night??

**Richie: **sounds good 2 me

**Bev: **what about movie night??

**the film star: **whats movie night

**Richie: **we just usually watch movies w some of our other friends on friday nights

**Richie: **we can miss it for one week @bev

**Bev: **yeah i guess

**the film star: **look i dont want to pull you guys away from your friends..

**Richie: **nah dont worry about it

**Richie: **they probably wont even notice we're missing lol

**the film star: **ok then cool

**the film star: **anyway i trust you guys but i have to let you know

**the film star: **you cant tell anybody that youre seeing me or that you know im in derry

**the film star: **not even your friends

**the film star: **if it leaks to the press where i am the shoot's gonna be fucked

**Bev:** thats cool we can do that

**the film star: **awesome

**the film star: **im staying at the derry townhouse

**the film star: **u guys wanna come over at like 7

**Bev: **yuh sounds good

**Bev: **see u then audra <3

**Richie: **yeah see ya then

**amy dunne did nothing wrong**

Friday, 1:17AM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i feel like charlie in the chocolate factory rn

**monkey man: **why???????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **[bevintheconfectionaryaisle.jpg]

**monkey man: **??????? why are u at the store its 1am

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **chocklit

**(b)rat boy: **shes high

**monkey man: **ooooooooooooh

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **imagine beign called charlie BUCKET

**(b)rat boy: **u know who sucks

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oh ffs here we go again

**(b)rat boy: **grandpa joe

**monkey man: **whats wrong with grandpa :(

**(b)rat boy: **he lay in bed for thirty years or whatever the fuck. while his daughter struggled to put food on the table. but then!!!! ohhh then! charlie gets a golden ticket and all the sudden that jackalope is hopping around the shack like he’s fuckin simone biles. i hate him i hate that free loader i hope he busts a hip and falls into the chocolate river

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **wheres the choclate river

**monkey man: **??????????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **im thirsty

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i want to fall in to a chocoale river

**(b)rat boy: **bev im coming to get you

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **is that a threat lol

**monkey man: **i cant believe youre high and just wandering around

**monkey man: **we have school tomorrow??????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **school is for lewsers

**(b)rat boy: **bev where are you

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **im at the chocolate river

**monkey man: **??????????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **theres no chocolate though

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;):** just water :/

**(b)rat boy: **which part of the chocolate river are you at

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **bridge

**(b)rat boy: **be there in five

Friday, 2:49PM

_(b)rat boy added gryffinwhore to the group._

**(b)rat boy: **whats the movie choice 4 tonite kids

**baby meanie: **i kind of feel like watching dead poets society again

**Stanley: **Are you OK, Eddie?

**Stanley: **Dead Poets Society always makes you sad.

**baby meanie: **uh im not the only one u bitch

**baby meanie: **i saw u fucking bitches u were all crying by the end

**monkey man: **i like dead poets society :)

**(b)rat boy: **dead poets society isnt THAT sad

**baby meanie: **thats bc ur the only one who read it as a movie about ~brotherhood~ or whatever the fuck

**(b)rat boy: **?? what else is it about

**baby meanie: **being gay

**(b)rat boy: **for the last time they werent gay

**Stanley: **You are the only one who thinks that, Bill.

**Mike: **yeah those 2 white boys??? gay af

**monkey man: **even i can see it bill and i usually miss these kinds of things

**baby meanie: **so we're watching dead poets society then

**(b)rat boy: **fine ok

**(b)rat boy: **any other suggestions

**monkey man: **i would like to watch back to the future

**Mike: **ooooh good one ben

**baby meanie: **wait lets see if bill wants to complain about it first

**(****b)rat boy: **nah back to the future is a good movie so i agree

**gryffinwhore: **bev and i cant come sorry guys

**(b)rat boy: **sorry what

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **we're being called back by the casting directors of killing strangers :/

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **they want to reframe our scenes or something

**baby meanie: **what the fuck

**Mike: **cant u guys come after?

**gryffinwhore: **we dont know how long its going to go for

**monkey man: **:(

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **im sorry you guys

**gryffinwhore: **we'll see you at hernandez's party tomorrow night anyway

**(b)rat boy: **@richie youre coming?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **greta invited him lol

**Mike: **guess theres another reason shes been staring at him all week

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **im really sorry guys

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **we'll make it up to you

**eddie boy > big bill**

Friday, 3:12PM

**eddie boy: **what the fuck

**big bill: **ok yeah its weird

**eddie boy: **u realize its bullshit rihgt

**eddie boy: **nobody needs to "reframe" scenes with extras

**eddie boy: **thats not a thing

**eddie boy: **AND they missed lunch AGAIN

**big bill: **idk dude

**big bill: **maybe they have a good reason???

**eddie boy: **its bc richie's pissed at me for whatever fucking reason

**eddie boy: **and he and bev are probably going to hook up or something

**big bill: **ed

**big bill: **bev and richie will never be a thing

**eddie boy: **oh yeah?

**big bill: **what are you doing

**non-smokers united**

Friday, 3:23PM

**eddy: **bev and richie are being weird

**billy: **i forgot this chat even existed lol

**benny: **it is kinda sad that they're missing movie night :(

**stanny: **They probably have a good reason. It's not like either of them to just skip out on it.

**eddy: **i dont think sneaking off to hook up counts as a good reason

**billy: **here we go again

**mikey: **eddie what are u talking about

**eddy: **hello?? theyre together ALL the time lately

**eddy: **theres clearly something going on between them

**stanny: **Are you jealous, Eddie?

**eddy: **the fuck are you talking about??

**benny: **um guys

**benny: **i guess this is as good a time as any to tell you 

**benny: **bev and i are kinda sorta going out

**mikey: **?!?!?!?!

**billy: **when did this happen

**benny: **well I asked her out on tuesday and we're going to alex's party together???????

**mikey: **good for you benny!!!!!!!!

**benny: **I hope thats ok bill

**billy: **yeah why wouldnt it be

**benny: **its just u guys used to date and stuff

**billy: **no hard feelings at ALL haystack

**billy: **you both deserve the best :))

**mikey: **so soft,, my heart,,,

**stanny: **You guys will be good with each other :)

**benny: **thanks guys

**benny:** anyway eddieI thought richie liked you???????

**eddy: **what???? are u talking about

**mikey: **he flirts with you all the time 

**eddy: **as a JOKE

**stanny: **Sure.

**eddy: **ok well if he did like me he wouldnt be flaking on movie night for no fucking reason

**stanny: **Like I said: maybe they have a good reason.

**eddy: **idk i just feel like he hates me and i dont know why

**the film star, Bev Marsh, Richie Tozier**

Saturday, 12:23AM

**the film star: **RICHIE AND EDDIE SITTING IN A TREE

**the film star: **K

**the film star: **I

**the film star: **S

**the film star: **I

**the film star: **S

**the film star: **S

**the film star: **U

**the film star: **N

**the film star: **H

**Bev: **kisissunh

**the film star: **shhhhhhhhhhh

**Richie: **i did not tell u about eddie to have u use it against me :/

**the film star: **richie got high and wouldnt stop talking aboutt how much he loves sweet little eddie kasper

**Richie: **its kaspbrak

**Richie: **also i know i was there???

**the film star: **shhh im telling them

**Bev: **who

**the film star: **the fbi agent reading this

**Bev: **omg yeah hiiiiiiiiii

**the film star: **ricihe rhice

**Bev: **rhice

**Bev: **RICE

**Bev: **i want some rice now

_Bev Marsh changed Richie Tozier's nickname to rice._

**the film star: **u were goign to sned me a pic of ur lil eddie

**rice: **YEAH

**rice: **[eddiescowling.jpg]

**the film star: **why is he so mad

**Bev: **he doesnt like having his picture taken

**the film star: **D:

**rice: **[eddiegrinning.jpg]

**rice: **i took this one when he wasn looking

**the film star: **CUUUUUUUUUTRT

**rice: **THATSM Y LINE

**rice: **[eddiesleeping.jpg]

**rice: **HE SLEEP

**Bev: **rice

**Bev: **you hasve to tell h im

**the film star: **yeeeeeeeeeees

**rice: **never

_the film star changed the group name to TELL HIM TELL HIM TELL HIM_.

**rice: **i cnat

**the film star: **whyn't

**Bev: **???

**the film star: **why not

**rice: **bc he'll hate me

**Bev: **no he wont rice

**Bev: **he doesnt have it in him

**amy dunne did nothing wrong**

Saturday, 2:06AM

**(b)rat boy: **sometimes i like to drink milk straight from the container

**monkey man: **the COW????????????????

Saturday, 9:03AM

**Stanley: **Ben.

**monkey man: **I know I'm sorry

Saturday, 1:54PM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **whats the plan for tonight kiddos

**monkey man: **alex's party?????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oh sweet ben

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i meant like how we're getting there and stuff

**(b)rat boy: **so u want us to nominate designated driver

**(b)rat boy: **except only two of us can drive so its rly just "designated minder"

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **shotgun not

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oh would u look at that :)

**Stanley: **I was last time so I shouldn't have to this time.

**(b)rat boy: **fair

**(b)rat boy: **richie is far too irresponsible to even be considered

**gryffinwhore: **hey fuck u

**(b)rat boy: **sorry rich do you want to give up a night of drinking??

**gryffinwhore: **wait no i take it back im irresponsible

**Mike: **I won't drink you guys

**monkey man: **yay mikey!!!

**Mike: **I have my driving test on sunday morning so I can't drink anyway

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **meanwhile im about to get white girl wasted for the third night in a row

**Stanley: **That can't be healthy.

**baby meanie: **wait

**baby meanie: **third day in a row??

**baby meanie: **u were high yesterday??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **um

**baby meanie: **so much for the whole "reframing" thing huh

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **no it was after

**baby meanie: **dont bullshit us bev

**baby meanie: **if you and richie didnt want to hang out with us you could have just said

**gryffinwhore: **mind your fucking business eddie

**baby meanie: **oh so i should mind YOUR business but when its MY business you can stick your nose wherever you like?

**gryffinwhore: **if this is about boris or hernandez or whoever the fuck

**baby meanie: **oh so im not allowed to be annoyed at you for practically biting my head for just mentioning a guy???

**baby meanie: **but you can be annoyed at me for being pissed that you skipped movie nihgt for apparently no reason

**baby meanie: **youre a fucking hypocrite

**baby meanie: **i really dont know what your fucking problem is richie

**gryffinwhore: **my problem is that you're acting like a brat

**gryffinwhore: **sorry that i dont like your little boyfriends very much

**baby meanie: **youve never even talked to either of them

**Stanley: **Oh my god, SHUT UP.

_Stanley Uris has removed gryffinwhore from the group._

_Stanley Uris has removed baby meanie from the group._

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **...yikes

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **wait does this mean what i think it means

**Mike: **I think it does levvie dearest

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **mom and dad are fighting again :(

**mom and dad are fighting again**

Saturday, 2:26PM

**(⌣́_⌣̀): **when was the last time we used this chat lol

**Stanley: **When Richie and Eddie got into that fight about Brad Pitt.

**(-_-;): **theres a good reason we never use this chat

**(-_-;): **I cant tell who any of you are except for stan

**(-_-;): **not even myself

**(︶︿︶): **trust nobody,, not even yourself

**(⌣́_⌣̀): **that's bc stan was too much of a party pooper to play along

_(︶︿︶) changed Stanley's nickname to ಠ╭╮ಠ._

**ಠ╭╮ಠ: **I did not consent to this change.

**(⌣́_⌣̀): **but stan it kinda looks like you

_ಠ╭╮ಠ changed their nickname to Stanley._

**( ._.):** I'm so confused right now???????????????

_Stanley changed ( ._.)'s nickname to Ben._

_Stanley changed (-_-;)'s nickname to Mike._

_Stanley changed (︶︿︶)'s nickname to Beverly._

_Stanley changed (⌣́_⌣̀)'s name to Bill._

**Beverly: **oh im Beverly now am i stan??

**Beverly: **u are no fun

**Stanley: **Fine.

_Stanley changed Ben's nickname to Benjamin._

_Stanley changed Mike's nickname to Michael._

_Stanley changed Bill's nickname to William._

**William: **arent we all having a grand old time

**Stanley: **Shut up and let's get down to business.

**Stanley: **Mom and dad are fighting again and it's getting really fucking annoying. 

**William: **what are we supposed to do about it

**Stanley: **Figure out what's happening and how to stop it.

**William: **well dads being really mean to mom about his boyfriends for no reason

**Benjamin: **wait who is mom and who is dad in this situation??????

**William: **eddie is mom and richie is dad

**Beverly: **no way richie is mom eddie is dad

**William: **are u kidding?? eddie is the anal-retentive bissy bossy mom who makes sure that her kids always eats their vegetables while richie is the cool dad who sits back and makes dad jokes but doesnt do any actual parenting

**Beverly: **fuck off eddie is the hardworking tired dad who brings home the cash and would do anything for mom and richie is the stay at home mom who's addicted to painkillers and white wine and every month is like "i think i'll try water painting" but then gives up when she realizes she's not monet

**Benjamin: **mom and dad are a sad pair :(

**Michael: **mom and dad's kids are going to be majorly fucked up :(

**Beverly: **we're mom and dads kids :(

**Michael: **fuck

**Stanley: **Okay, can we get back to the task at hand?

**Beverly: **which is

**Stanley: **Getting Richie and Eddie to stop fighting and then admit they like each other.

**Beverly: **oh wow

**Beverly: **ok we're going there

**Benjamin: **I can't believe stan is a romantic

**Stanley: **Sorry, what?

**Benjamin: **stan wants richie and eddie to be together~~~

**Beverly: **heck yeah reddie rights

**Stanley: **Who told you this?

**William: **@Beverly why

**Benjamin: **you did stan

**Beverly: **i said what i said @William

**Beverly: **REDDIE RIGHTS

**Stanley: **I have never said anything of the sort.

**Michael: **then why do you want them to admit they like each other

**William: **@Beverly im adding this to my cringe compilation

**Stanley: **They're annoying and they give me a headache.

**Beverly: **CRINGE CULTURE IS DEAD

**Stanley: **I would like it very much if they could give each other headaches instead.

**William: **thats not what u said when u caught greta making tik toks

**Stanley: **What the fuck are you two talking about?

**Beverly: **cringe culture

**Stanley: **Why do I bother?

**amy dunne did nothing wrong**

Saturday, 8:37PM

**Stanley: **Are you guys coming?

**Stanley: **I am the only one here and I am not having fun.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ben and i are about five mins away

**Stanley: **Hurry up.

**(b)rat boy: **mike and i are here

**(b)rat boy: **where are you stanny

**Stanley: **Oh thank fuck. 

**Stanley: **I'm in the kitchen.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **seen richie or eddie yet??

**Mike: **not yet

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **:/

Saturday, 9:12PM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **@bill @mike @stanley is eddie still with you guys

**Mike: **yeah why

**monkey man: **richie just got here

**(b)rat boy: **yeah eddie's seen him

**(b)rat boy: **he does not look impressed

**Stanley: **I am not drunk enough for this shit.

Saturday, 10:20PM

**(b)rat boy: **[standoingtequilashots.avi]

**(b)rat boy: **did i drink to mcu h or cna u guys see this tow????????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **STAN STAN STAN STAN

**Stanley: **i am a good

**monkey man: **good??

**Stanley: **GOD

**Mike: **careful stan your richie is showing

**Stanley: **FUCKE ORFF

Saturday, 10:49PM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **[eddietalkingtoalexhernandez.avi]

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i dont knwo if this is good or bad

**(b)rat boy: **[richiewatchingthem.jpg]

**(b)rat boy: **its bad

**monkey man: **D:

Saturday, 11:11PM

**Mike: **does anyone know where stan and bev went??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **we are in a small dark room

**Mike: **what??????

**Stanley: **veryyyy smalll

**Stanley: **it is dsrk

**(b)rat boy: **aksfleggleg ther in a closest

**(b)rat boy: **closit

**(b)rat boy:** clols

**Mike: **whyyyy are you in a closet

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **warm

**Mike: **ok cool good for u

**Mike: **what about richie and eddie

**Stanley: **reddddiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee

**Stanley: **stupisd boys

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **MOM n DADDDDDDD

**Mike: **???

**mom and dad are fighting again**

Saturday, 11:23PM

**Beverly: **shhh they can hear us

**Michael: **what is going on

**Stanley: **they are heeer with us

**Michael: **they're in the closet too??

**Beverly: **SKSKSKSKSKSKSKS

**William: **MIKE

**Michael: **ok haha very funny

**Stanley: **therye in the ebduroom outside

**Stanley: **talkinnh

**Beverly: **omg im gona record

**Beverly: **like thsose spies on tv

**William: **yesssssss tell us what they saydf

**Beverly:** [1 audio attachment: "-fuck is your problem, Richie?" "**I don't know, okay?! I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm just...I...I'm sorry, okay?**" "_........................._" "Sometimes, I just start to feel like...I don't know...like you don't like me anymore." "**What?**" "I don't know...you start to pull away, or you're hanging out with Bev all the time, and...I guess it feels like you've forgotten me, or something. Or you've gotten bored of me." "**Eddie, oh my god, no.**" "You can't blame for felling like that, Rich." "**I know, I know. I know I've been a bad...a bad friend lately, I know. It's just...god Eddie, you're too good for me. And it's been pressing on my mind lately. I just...I can't believe you're in my life. I could - god - I could never get bored of you. I could never forget you. You're all I think about.**" "What do you mean?" "**I-uh, I mean - you're the best friend I ever had. And I'm so fucking lucky to have you. Too lucky.**" "You're wrong." "**You would say that, wouldn't you?**" "It's not about who deserves what, Rich. I am me, and you are you, and that's all there is to it." "**So smart, Eds.**" "Shut up and give me a hug." "_......................._" "**I'm sorry, Eddie Spaghetti.**" I know. I'm sorry too. Let's...let's get out of here, yeah?" "**Yeah, okay.**"]

**Stanley: **im crying

**Beverly: **me too

**Beverly: **its luckyhb they left bc we rr ebieng v eryv loud

**Stanley: **sobbing

**Michael: **ok

**Michael: **I think its time to go home now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you might think the angst is over. you're wrong. BUT i will grant you all a brief reprieve and have the losers all pretend to be happy for at least one (1) chapter. 
> 
> please leave any suggestions or feedback in the comments. love you all :)


	8. bev and the bottoms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **baby meanie: **is it rude to kill yourself in the middle of class
> 
> **gryffinwhore: **no don't kill yourself you're so sexy aha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big thank u to SinisterArtist who left a suggestion on chapter 5 about adding audra to the group chat, which i've included in this chapter. if u have any other suggestions, be sure to leave them in the comments below!!
> 
> warning for some sexual language. idk what happened.

**amy dunne did nothing wrong**

Sunday, 12:23PM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i have

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **so many regrets

**Mike: **how's the headache :)

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **hudneuefhnspivjpsv

**monkey man: **should we add richie and eddie back now?

**Stanley: **No.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **hungover stan is mean :(

_Mike Hanlon added baby meanie to the group._

_Mike Hanlon added gryffinwhore to the group._

**gryffinwhore: **well well look who came craWLING back

**Stanley: **Technically, we didn't go anywhere. So, you're the one who came crawling back.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **guys please it's too early for this

**monkey man: **it's noon?????????

**(b)rat boy: **mikey how'd your test go!!!!

**Mike: **I got it

**(b)rat boy: **you passed??

**Mike: **I passed

**baby meanie: **yayayaya person number 2 who can drive me around

**monkey man: **you forgot richie

**baby meanie: **no i didn’t

**gryffinwhore: **D:

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **glad to see u two back to normal

**baby meanie: **who says we're back to normal

**gryffinwhore: **yeah?? eds who?? i hate that guy

**baby meanie: **not eds!!

**Mike: **yeah, I think you two are fine

**eds > dick**

Sunday, 1:31PM

**eds:** u left ur hoodie at my house

**dick: **shit

**dick: **can u give it to me at school tomorrow

**eds: **maybe

**dick: **tf does that mean

**dick: **eddie???????

**eds: **:)))))

**amy dunne did nothing wrong**

Sunday, 4:32PM 

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i've had a realizashun

**Mike: **lmao ok what is it

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i am the only top here.

**monkey man:** ?????????

**gryffinwhore: **EXCUSE ME

**(b)rat boy: **richie dont lie you're a massive bottom

**monkey man: **can u even be a top or bottom if ur not gay??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oh ben

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **being a top or a bottom isnt just a sex position

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **its a state of mind

**monkey man: **oh

**monkey man: **well if you're a top i guess i'll be a bottom

**gryffinwhore: **ew heteros :/

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **shut up

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **thats the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me

**baby meanie: **asdfghjkl bev WHY

**(b)rat boy: **ok so ben and richie are bottoms that doesnt mean that ALL the rest of us are

**gryffinwhore: **HEY!!!

**baby meanie: **im a bottom and #proud

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **YES eddie own it

**gryffinwhore: **see that means i HAVE to be a top

**Mike: **sorry what

**(b)rat boy: **richie wants to top eddie

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **asdfgsfbjisjojn THIS WAS MEANT TO BE PG-13

**gryffinwhore: **no

**gryffinwhore: **bottoming is hereditary

**baby meanie: **richie if that's meant to be a your mom joke i swear

**gryffinwhore: **...........

**baby meanie: **im GOING to kill you

**(b)rat boy: **im seeing no evidence to suggest that richie isn't a bottom

**gryffinwhore: **SHUT UP BILL YOURE A BOTTOM TOO

**(b)rat boy: **YOU TAKE THAT BACK

**Stanley: **........Richie's right.

**(b)rat boy: **stan,, how could you

**gryffinwhore: **HA

**gryffinwhore: **IN YOUR FACE

**Stanley: **Shut up Richie, you're a bottom too.

**gryffinwhore: **D:

**(b)rat boy: **SUCK MY TOES TOZIER

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **?? concerning

**(b)rat boy: **shush

_dr sexy carlisle cullen ;) named the group bev and the bottoms._

**ditchie > levvie**

Sunday, 5:03PM 

**ditchie: **next time i see rat boy imma throw hands

**levvie: **asdfdfd ur such an idiot

**ditchie: **exCUSE ME

**ditchie: **i'll have u know i take this very seriously

**levvie: **yeah i can tell

**ditchie: **mark my words miss marsh

**ditchie: **as soon as i think of a plan i will enact my revenge

**levvie: **god ur so dramatic

**ditchie: **when you least expect it........

**bev and the bottoms**

Sunday, 5:51PM

_gryffinwhore added Audra Phillips to the group._

**Stanley: **Sorry, what?

**Mike: **what is going on right now

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **RICHIE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE HAHDJSKDKSK

**gryffinwhore: **yeah bev and i are friends with audra phillips now

**Mike: **bill's going to Die

**gryffinwhore: **audra, i hereby grant you an honorary 1 day admission to the "bev and the bottoms" group chat

**gryffinwhore: **do not by any means scroll up

**Audra: **too late

**Audra: **why does bev and the bottoms sound like the name of a family band??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **omg

**Stanley: **Is this a joke of some kind?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **yes

**Stanley: **Oh.

**Audra: **what's the joke???

**gryffinwhore: **bill is going to lose his mind

**Audra: **oh ok

**monkey man: **audra phillips????????????????

**Audra: **im sorry i cant tell who any of you are bc of the nicknames

**gryffinwhore: **oh thats ben

**gryffinwhore:** all he ever says is "?????????"

**monkey man: **no i dont??????????????

**Mike: **..............

**monkey man: **oh my god i do???????????????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **and mike and stan dont have nicknames

**Audra: **why not

**gryffinwhore: **guess they arent special enough

**Mike: **:(

**Audra: **wait ben is your bf right bev??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **yuh

**monkey man: **you were talking about me to audra phillips??????????????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;):** asdfghjkl yeah

**baby meanie: **oh my god

**baby meanie: **bill is going to have a heart attack

**gryffinwhore: **i know lol

**baby meanie: **richie its not funny!!!!

**gryffinwhore: **yes it is

**Audra: **who is bill

**(b)rat boy:** EFKLNWOFNHQEIOFHNEF

**gryffinwhore: **that's bill

**Audra: **did he have a stroke

**Stanley: **Okay Bev, I get it now. This is really fucking funny.

**baby meanie: **is he dead??

**baby meanie: **should we call 911????????

**(b)rat boy: **i

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **omg guys hes typing hes alive

**Stanley: **Say something, Big Bill.

**(b)rat boy: **im alive

**gryffinwhore: **this is what happens when you call me a bottom. bitch

**Audra: **jfc lmao

**(b)rat boy: **this is the greatest day of my life???

**gryffinwhore: **yeah and dont u forget it

**baby meanie: **ur a shithead reach

**Audra: **omg reach is such a cute nickname

**gryffinwhore: **eh

**gryffinwhore: **i prefer Big Dick Rich

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **nobody has ever called you that

**gryffinwhore: **actually i seem to recall mrs k screaming it pretty loudly last night :/

**baby meanie: **FUCK OFF

**monkey man: **I still don't understand??????

**Audra: **asdfdfdfd im sorry

**gryffinwhore: **yeah u should be

**Audra: **get off my dick reach

_baby meanie removed Audra Phillips from the group._

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **eddie wtf

**baby meanie: **only i get to call him reach

**(b)rat boy: **EDDIE WHAT THE FUCK

_(b)rat boy removed baby meanie from the group._

**gryffinwhore: **that was r00d

_gryffinwhore added baby meanie to the group._

**gryffinwhore: **its cute that u care about me eds :)

**baby meanie: **fuck off

**gryffinwhore: **:)))

**(b)rat boy: **what the fuck add audra back

**gryffinwhore: **oh shoot yeah

_gryffinwhore added Audra Phillips to the group._

**Audra: **wait this is eddie???

**Audra: **the eddie u were talking about rich???

**Audra: **cant even be mad tbh

**baby meanie: **???????????????????

**gryffinwhore: **i might have mentioned him yeah

**Audra: **no no

**Audra: **this is the eddie u called adorable???

**Audra: **"cutest boy in the world" i think you said

**gryffinwhore: **hm i dont recall

**eddie boy > big bill**

Sunday, 5:46PM

**eddie boy: **OH MY GOD ARE YOU READING THIS

**big bill: **im mad at you

**eddie boy: **OK IM SORRY FOR KICKING YOUR FUTURE WIFE OUT OF THE CHAT BUT

**eddie boy: **CAN YOU READ

**bev and the bottoms**

Sunday, 5:47PM

**Audra: **u said he gets u blushing

**Stanley: **Expose him sis.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **stan askdjdjgdvpdsk

**big bill > eddie boy**

Sunday, 5:49PM 

**big bill: **ok i forgive you also OH MY GOD

**eddie boy: **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**bev and the bottoms**

Sunday, 5:49PM

**gryffinwhore: **shut up i didnt say that

**Audra: **no no i distinctly remember

**Audra: **OH what about when u were talking about

_gryffinwhore removed Audra Phillips from the group._

**gryffinwhore:** ok funs over back to work

**(b)rat boy: **dude not again what the fuck

**Stanley: **Somebody's eMbArAsSed.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;):** stan diverts from proper grammar to make fun of richie???

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i approve

**gryffinwhore: **fuck off

**Mike: **aw rich do u have a lil crush on eddie bear

**gryffinwhore: **shut up

**Stanley: **Because it seems like you do.

**Mike: **I mean you did tell audra phillips that he was

**Mike: **what was it

**Mike: **"cute"?

**gryffinwhore: **yeah well i was joking

**gryffinwhore: **so can we drop it

**eddie boy > big bill**

Sunday, 5:54PM

**big bill: **eddie....

**eddie boy: **i fucking told you so lol

**eddie boy: **its all just one big joke

**big bill: **im sorry :(

**eddie boy: **dont worry about it

**eddie boy: **i'll get over it

**Bill Denbrough > Audra Phillips**

Sunday, 6:26PM

_Audra added Bill as a friend. Wave hello!_

**Bill: **hey

**Bill: **i just wanted to say sorry for the way i was in the chat today

**Bill: **im just. a big fan so i kinda freaked out

**Audra: **no its cool

**Audra: **i met harry styles last year and i couldnt say anything

**Audra: **and i definitely didnt follow up with a cute message

**Bill: **you met harry styles???

**Audra: **wow should i be jealous

**Bill: **maybe

**Audra: **ouch

**Audra: **anyway

**Audra: **bev told me youre a writer??

**Bill: **oh

**Bill: **yeah i guess i am

**Audra: **i hope you dont mind

**Audra: **she showed me some of your stuff

**Audra: **it was really good

**Bill: **ok im going to have another heart attack

**Audra: **omg please dont

**Bill: **i'll put it off just for u

**Audra: **lol thanks

**Audra: **anyway i was going to ask if maybe we could meet up for coffee sometime so you could show me some of your other stuff??

**Audra: **bill??

**Audra: **we don't have to if you don't want to

**Bill: **sorry i was having that heart attack i mentioned earlier

**Bill: **i will absolutely get coffee with you

**Audra: **ok cool

**Audra: **i'll let you know when i'm free this week?

**Bill: **yeah ok cool

**Bill: **you'll let me know

**Audra: **talk soon :)

**Bill: **yeah ok

**Bill: **talk soon

**ex-bf > ex-gf**

Sunday, 6:40PM

**ex-bf: **YOU ARE THE BEST EX GIRLFRIEND EVER

**ex-gf: **ok thanks i know

**ex-gf: **but why are you telling me this now??

**ex-bf: **you talked me up

**ex-bf: **to AUDRA PHILLIPS???????

**ex-gf: **oh yeah lol

**ex-gf: **how did that work out for you?

**ex-bf: **she wants to get coffee!!!!

**ex-gf: **!!!!!!!!!!

**ex-gf: **shit i scored u a date with a movie star???????????

**ex-bf: **apparently you did!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**ex-gf: **omg u have to hold me back i have too much power

**ex-bf: **i'll never be able to pay u back

**ex-gf: **name ur first born after me

**ex-bf: **yeah i could do that

**ex-gf: **omg i was joking but im holding u to that now

**Audra Phillips > Richie Tozier**

Sunday, 6:44PM 

**Audra: **sorry about saying that stuff about eddie in the chat earlier

**Audra: **i got nervous :/

**Richie: **ok i want to be mad at you but im sort of stuck on the fact that YOU WERE NERVOUS????

**Richie: **sorry WHAT

**Richie: **WHY

**Audra: **idk u guys are all so close i felt compelled to say something that would make them like me

**Richie: **i CANNOT believe??????????

**Audra: **that im a human person with real feelings?

**Richie: **uh YEAH

**Audra: **get off my dick reach ;)

**Richie: **asdfdfd BITCH

**bev and the bottoms**

Sunday, 9:21PM

**Mike: **are we really going to brush over the fact that we had a world-famous movie star in our group chat earlier

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **lol

**Stanley: **Are we really going to brush over the fact that she is, apparently, somehow, friends with Bev and Richie?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **thats r00d stanny boy :(

**Mike: **wait so when did you guys meet her???

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **on the day we did the extras shoot

**Mike: **lmao so legit after you told bill you probably wouldnt get to meet her

**Mike: **you did meet her??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ok well to be fair we didnt KNOW that was going to happen

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **we were shooting a classroom scene and guess who ended up right next to her

**Stanley: **Oh dear.

**gryffinwhore: **oh dear????????

**gryffinwhore: **i'll have you know that my company is a blessing

**Stanley: **.........

**Mike: **..........

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **............

**gryffinwhore: **ok FUCK u guys

**monkey man: **I like being in your company rich!!!

**gryffinwhore: **wow ben i love you

**gryffinwhore: **ur my favourite now

**monkey man: **:D

**baby meanie: **sorry????????????

**gryffinwhore: **u dont count eds ur god tier

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i feel like the rest of us should be offended,, but

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *

**Mike: **ヾ(⌐■_■)ノ♪

**monkey man: **(づ￣ ³￣)づ

**Stanley: **How are you guys doing these so quickly?

**baby meanie: **¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

**gryffinwhore: **stan this one kinda looks like you

**gryffinwhore: **/╲/\╭( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)╮/\╱\

**Stanley: **How?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **asdfdfd richie wtf??

**Mike: **this one looks like ben

**Mike: **\ (•◡•) /

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **IT DOES GHSJFJASKSK

**monkey man: **(ᵔᴥᵔ)

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **this one's eddie

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **(ง'̀-'́)ง

**baby meanie: **(¬_¬)

**gryffinwhore: **( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

**Stanley: **Just. Why?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **anYWAY

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **richie was actually fine like he wasnt bothering audra or anything

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **but THEN

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **audra started talking to him

**Mike: **she what?????

**Stanley: **Sorry. I thought you just said she started talking to Richie?

**gryffinwhore: **what can i say i'm a hit with the ladies

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **anyway her talking to him was an invitation for the trashmouth to start trashmouthing

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **and so i butted in to apologize but get this

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **she thought he was funny

**Mike: **richie?????

**gryffinwhore: **HEY

**Stanley: **She thought Richie was funny?

**gryffinwhore: **HEY!!!!!!!!!!

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ik. but we started talking and she was rly cool and. she thought we were cool i guess??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **anyway she messaged us after and like,, asked us to hang out

**Stanley: **Wait.

**Stanley: **Is that were you guys were on Friday night?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **yeah

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **im sorry we didnt tell you!!

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **but there was something about non disclosure agreements or whatever so we couldnt :/

**baby meanie: **wow ok

**baby meanie: **thats actually. a good reason

**(b)rat boy: **i would have killed you all in cold blood for five minutes with her so.. yeah u get a pass i guess

**Stanley: **Bill, you worry me sometimes.

Monday, 12:56AM

**(b)rat boy: **sometimes a clown is in your house. sometimes not. depends.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **why. WHY are u so creepy

**gryffinwhore: **its me

**gryffinwhore: **im the clown

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **0_0

**gryffinwhore: **( ͡° ͜◯ ͡°) ＣＬＯＷＮ ＦＩＥＳＴＡ ( ͡° ͜◯ ͡°)

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ok i give up trying 2 be the serious one

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **The clown of the year award has been presented to you 🏅🤡 ! You’re one of the biggest clowns we’ve ever seen 🏆 ! And for that we give you the golden Nose 🔴🥇 ! Remember you deserve this 😎 ! Keep on clowning 🤡 !

**gryffinwhore: **( ͠° ͟◯ ͡°) OVERCLOWNFIDENCE IS A SLOW AND HILARIOUS KILLER ( ͠° ͟◯ ͡°)

**(b)rat boy: **Guess what it's clown hunting season 👹👌💦💦💦and u know what that means time to hunt for some clown cock🍆😜😜 that big red nose isn't the only thing you'll be bonking tonight 😱👉🏽👌🏽huge shoes equal huge🍆🍆🍆don't let that clown juggle his balls all by himself 👀👅u know they aren't just lurking in the shadows but in that 😼😼😼who cares if u get a little freaky clowns are known for their knives and chainsaws ⚒🗡😏😏open your mouth wider than that creepy clown grin 👅👅👅and it'll be full of clown dick in no time 👺👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿send this to 12 of your kinkiest clown stalkers and bobo will be beside your bed tonight

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **BILL FFS WHY

**gryffinwhore: **not the circus but u bitches be clowning

Monday, 7:03AM

**monkey man: **why do you guys get to use emojis????????????????

**Stanley: **Really, Ben? That's what you're concerned about?

**big bill > eddie boy**

Monday, 8:58AM

**big bill: **are u wearing richie's hoodie

**eddie boy: **FUCK

**eddie boy: **FUCK

**eddie boy: **i didnt even notice i put it on this morning

**big bill: **:/ take it off??

**eddie boy: **its fucking below zero outside dipshit and i didnt bring another jacket

**big bill: **well i dont think richie's here anyway???

**eddie boy: **what??

**eddie boy: **where is he???

**big bill: **idk

**big bill: **are u mad at him

**eddie boy: **no

**eddie boy: **im just going to pretend that everything is normal

**eddie boy: **its not his fault he doesnt like me

**big bill: **:(

**levvie > ditchie**

Monday, 9:09AM

**levvie: **where are u

**ditchie: **at the dentist lol

**levvie: **ok well i think eddie's wearing your hoodie??????

**ditchie: **?!?!?!?!?!?!

**levvie: **[eddieinenglish.jpg]

**ditchie: **holy fucking shit

**levvie: **i know

**ditchie: **he looks,, SO CUTE

**levvie: **I KNOW

**ditchie: **HANDS OFF MY MAN BITCH

**levvie: **OH DW HE'S ALL YOURS

**ditchie: **OK GOOD

**levvie: **I THINK WE CAN STOP YELLING NOW 

**levvie: **also!! we need to work on our bio report

**ditchie: **??

**levvie: **the bio report mr lewis gave us on friday??

**levvie: **its due thursday

**ditchie: **if we didnt message about it then i dont remember

**levvie: **fckn idiot

**levvie: **can we not talk outside of messaging now

**ditchie: **no we can not

**levvie: **ffs

**levvie: **whatever we need to do it

**levvie: **do u want to come to mine after school

**ditchie: **yuh ok

**levvie: **;)

**bev and the bottoms**

Monday, 1:44PM

**baby meanie: **is it rude to kill yourself in the middle of class

**gryffinwhore: **no no te mates eres tan sexy aha

**baby meanie: **i hate u

**gryffinwhore: **:)

**monkey man: **what does it say????????

**gryffinwhore: **no don't kill yourself you're so sexy aha

**monkey man: **oh

**monkey man: **he's right eddie

**baby meanie: **BEN asdkgnfovonwn

**gryffinwhore: **hands OFF my man

**monkey man: **:)

**eds > dick**

Monday, 4:14PM

**eds: **sorry i forgot to give your hoodie back today

**dick: **you should keep it

**dick: **it looks better on you anyway

**eddie boy > big bill**

Monday, 4:19PM

**eddie boy: **["better on you anyway".jpg]

**eddie boy: **WHAT THE FUCK

**big bill: **["hands OFF my man".jpg]

**big bill: **i think your boy's a fucking liar

**eddie boy: **wdym

**big bill: **i don't think he was joking at all

**big bill: **i think he's in love with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah bill, we been knew.
> 
> like i've said 1000000 times before, feel free to leave any feedback or suggestions in the comments. i have the next few chapters planned out and. uh.. it's an angst train, so prepare yourselves.
> 
> as always, thanks for reading :)


	9. spaghetti man is the sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **how does rondo alla turca go again
> 
> **gryffinwhore: **ooh you make my motor run, my motor run got it coming off of the liiiiiiine sharona
> 
> **(b)rat boy: **no im pretty sure thats my sharona

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly, i think this is the best chapter i’ve written so far, so yay!! fair warning: shit's hectic. you'll find out what i mean.
> 
> thanks for reading xo

**eddie boy > big bill**

Monday, 4:21PM

**eddie boy: **so you've said a million times before

**big bill: **because it's true!!

**eddie boy: **oh so you Know for a Fact that he's "in love" with me

**big bill: **yes!!

**eddie boy: **has he ever said the words to you

**big bill: **well ok i guess i don't technically Know

**big bill: **but i KNOW

**eddie boy: **bill

**big bill: **eddie

**eddie boy: **come on

**big bill: **i'm serious eddie!! i've known richie since pre-k, longer than anyone, and he's never acted around ANYONE the way he acts around you. its not just the flirting!! its the way he looks at you when he thinks no ones watching, its the way hes always trying to impress you, its the way that he sulks whenver u so much as mention another guy. youre the ONLY one who can make him shut up!! and he interrupts the rest of us all the time but hes always hanging off your every word, and he sneaks into your bedroom late at night and CUDDLES with you?? DUDE there is NO heterosexual explanation for that!! he always shouts you for ice cream but tells the rest of us to fuck off, and always holds your hand in scary movies, not to mention the fact that he drives you wherever the fuck u want whenever the fuck u want, so yeah, i Know hes in love with you bc the only other option is hes quantifiably INSANE

**eddie boy: **wow

**eddie boy: **how long u been drafting that one bill??

**big bill: **are u fucking kidding me

**big bill: **you're telling me you're STILL not convinced

**eddie boy: **:/

**big bill: **you 

**big bill: **are USELESS

**bev and the bottoms**

Monday, 5:21PM

**Mike: **@richie @bev do u guys have the notes on asexual reproduction??

**gryffinwhore: **ayyyyy sexual

**monkey man: **??????

**Mike: **is that yes or no

**gryffinwhore: **yeah

**Mike: **....

**Mike: **can u send them to me??

**gryffinwhore: **send what

**Mike: **the notes

**gryffinwhore: **oh no sorry i dont have them

**Mike: **what the fuck

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **guysssssss

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i think i found the gayest book ever written

**monkey man: **weren't u guys doing bio homework???????

**Stanley: **They're high.

**monkey man: **ohhhhh

**monkey man: **again?????????????

**baby meanie: **WAIT a minute

**Mike: **sorry?

**baby meanie: **whats the book

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **troy story

**monkey man: **isnt that a movie??????????

**Stanley: **...She's talking about The Iliad.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **bro shut the fuck up im analyzing homoerotic subtext

**gryffinwhore: **she is

**gryffinwhore: **[bevreading.jpg]

**baby meanie: **thats the bible?

**gryffinwhore: **shhhhh shes reading

**monkey man: **I thought she was reading the iliad???????

**gryffinwhore: **she is

**(b)rat boy: **@mike i have the bio notes

**Mike: **oh thank fuck

**gryffinwhore: **SHHHHHHHHHHHH

**monkey man: **?????????????????????????

Monday, 10:17PM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **anyone have any good music recs??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **all of my music is boring :(

**baby meanie: **bev

**baby meanie: **do you know how much music is on this planet?? how are we meant to define "good" music?? is it enough for a song to make you happy or does it have to be lyrically profound with a good melody??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ok fine

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **just tell me what ur listening to rn

**baby meanie: **uh

**Mike: **I'm listening to dancing in the moonlight

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oooooh good choice

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **come on ed what are u listening to??

**baby meanie: **.........

**baby meanie: **heart of glass by blondie

**gryffinwhore: **BANGER

**baby meanie: **shut up

**gryffinwhore: **come on eds OWN IT

**gryffinwhore: **u can pry eddie's 80s playlist from his cold dead hands

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **what are u listening to then rich

**gryffinwhore: **both sides now by joni mitchell

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **lol ok????????

**baby meanie: **that's too lyrically profound for you

**baby meanie: **what were u listening to before that

**gryffinwhore: **i wasnt

**gryffinwhore: **ive been listening to this song for two straight hours

**baby meanie: **ok is that a joke or???

**gryffinwhore: **nope

**baby meanie: **?????????

**monkey man: **I'm listening to billie jean :)

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ooft bars

**Stanley: **Please do not say things like that.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **:(

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **what are u listening to stan :(

**Stanley: **Rondo Alla Turca by Mozart.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **thats so annoyingly on brand

**Mike: **breaking news I saw that stan was listening to my sharona earlier

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **OMF

**Stanley: **No, I wasn't.

**monkey man: **I saw that too!!!!!

**Mike: **spotify never lies stanny

**gryffinwhore: **STAN THATS TASTE

**Stanley: **Oh, god.

**gryffinwhore: **ooh my little pretty one my pretty one When you gonna give me some time sharona

**Stanley: **Stop.

**baby meanie: **how do you jump from my sharona to rondo alla turca

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **how does rondo alla turca go again

**gryffinwhore: **ooh you make my motor run, my motor run got it coming off of the liiiiiiine sharona

**(b)rat boy: **no im pretty sure thats my sharona

**monkey man: **ronda alla turca goes buh-duh-duh-duh-DUH buh-duh-duh-DUH-DUH buh-duh-duh-duh buh-duh-duh-duh-buh-duh-duh-duh-BUH blllink-buh duh-duh-duh-duh-DUH-duh-duh-duh-DUH-duh-duh-duh-dunh

**monkey man: **but like really fast

**baby meanie: **how is that ANY help

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **omg i know it

**(b)rat boy: **lmao wtf

**baby meanie: **straight people :/

**gryffinwhore: **never gonna stop give it up such a dirty mind I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind my my my aye-aye, whoa! m m m my sharona

**Stanley: **@Eddie, so you're going to look at Richie doing this and then you're going to tell us that straight people are the problem?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **STAN

**monkey man: **bill what are you listening to???????????????

**(b)rat boy: **me?

**monkey man: **no the other bill

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **BEN OMG

**(b)rat boy: **im not listening to anything

**baby meanie: **u liar u have headphones in

**gryffinwhore: **come a little closer huh, a-will ya huh? close enough to look in my eyes, Sharona

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **grab his phone!!!!!!!!!

**(b)rat boy: **no efijwfeh

**baby meanie: **BILLS LISTENING TO DESPACITO

**(b)rat boy: **NO IM NOT THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT

**Stanley: **Wow, Bill. I thought you were better than this.

**(b)rat boy: **stan :(

**gryffinwhore: **keeping it a mystery, it gets to me Running down the length of my thiiiiiiiigh sharona

**Stanley: **Please make him stop.

**baby meanie: **ok reach i think that's enough now

**gryffinwhore: **anything for u eds

**(b)rat boy: **;)

**baby meanie: **not eds

**baby meanie: **SHUT

**baby meanie: **despacito BITCH

_gryffinwhore changed (b)rat boy's nickname to despacito bitch._

**despacito bitch: **they hated jesus bc he told them the truth

**monkey man: **???????????????

**baby meanie: **i too have no idea what he's talking about

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **question

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **why does richie,, have the most taste??

**baby meanie: **EXCUSE ME

**Mike: **eddie 5 seconds ago u were embarrassed to admit that u were listening to blondie

**baby meanie: **i dont recall

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **blondie is good but... joni mitchell......

**baby meanie: **fine

**baby meanie: **but for TWO HOURS

**gryffinwhore: **two hours well spent govnah

**baby meanie: **no

**gryffinwhore: **eds

**baby meanie: **good BYE

Tuesday, 2:06PM

**despacito bitch: **does anybody wanna go to the quarry after school

**Mike: **yeah!! we haven't been for ages

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **sorry i have the bubonic plague i can’t hang out tonight

**monkey man: **pardon????

**Stanley: **Did you guys hear about the couple that died of the plague in May?

**monkey man: **what????????????

**Stanley: **[Link: "_Quarantine lifted after couple die of bubonic plague_"]

**Mike: **I still cant open links what does it say

**Stanley: **“A quarantine imposed in Mongolia after two people died from the bubonic plague has been lifted, allowing a number of tourists to leave the area. The Mongolian couple contracted the illness after eating the raw meat of a marmot, a type of rodent. Following their deaths, a six-day quarantine was declared on 1 May in Mongolia's western Bayan Olgii province bordering both China and Russia. In previous centuries plague outbreaks killed millions in Europe and Asia.”

**Mike: **what the actual fuck

**Richie: **bev's been eating dead rats send tweet

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **>:(

**monkey man: **wait are you actually sick????????????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **lol no i can come

**despacito bitch: **cool meet there at 4:30?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **sounds good

Tuesday, 7:27PM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **richie stop trying to drown people challenge

**gryffinwhore: **idk what you're talking about???

**Stanley: **[richietacklingeddie.avi]

**gryffinwhore: **oh yeah lol

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **asdfdfdfd did u genuinely forget??????

**baby meanie: **i will never forget and i will never forgive >:(

**gryffinwhore: **come on u love me

**baby meanie: **no

_gryffinwhore has left the group._

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **aaskdmfkdn AGAIN???

_baby meanie added gryffinwhore to the group._

**baby meanie:** u dramatic bitch

**baby meanie: **fine

**baby meanie: **u are ok

**baby meanie: **sometimes

**gryffinwhore: **YOU LOOOOOOOOOOVE ME

**baby meanie: **BYE

Wednesday, 1:26AM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **how many dead bodies do u think are in the ocean

**gryffinwhore: **O_O

**despacito bitch: **eddie's after richie drowned him at the quarry

**baby meanie: **SHUT UP

Wednesday, 11:22AM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;):** [richieatpictureday.jpg]

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **so this is what richie the crackhead decided to wear to picture day

**Mike: **is that a colander on his head??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **yes

**monkey man: **??????????????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **[1 video attachment: “Mr. Tozier, take that off your head right now.” “**Can’t do that Mrs. K.**” “I’m warning you, young man. I will not allow you to make a mockery of this school.” “**Are you making a mockery of my _religion_, Mrs. K?**” “Don’t make me give you a detention, Mr. Tozier.” “**I’ll have you know that this strainer is considered a religious garment, and I reserve the right to religious freedom as outlined in the first amendment.**” “For god’s sake. What religion, pray tell, do you subscribe to, Mr. Tozier?” “**I am a dedicated Pastafarian.**” “I beg your pardon?” “**Pastafarian. P-A-S-T-.**” “Beverly Marsh! That better not be a phone I'm see-“]

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **mrs kreshner is Not Happy

**despacito bitch: **what the fuck is a pastafarian

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **that is a very good question

**baby meanie: **i wish i didn’t know this

**baby meanie: **but a pastafarian is a believer of pastafarianism

**baby meanie: **also known as the church of the flying spaghetti monster

**monkey man: **??????????????

**despacito bitch: **this is something richie made up right

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **there is no WAY that’s a real thing

**baby meanie: **oh it’s a very real thing

**baby meanie: **apparently there are other people on this planet that are a whacked as richie

**Mike: **what do pastafarians believe then

**gryffinwhore: **good question mike

**gryffinwhore: **we believe that one day the flying spaghetti monster got drunk and accidentally created the universe which accounts for all the earths imperfections

**despacito bitch: **..........

**gryffinwhore: **humans today evolved from pirates

**gryffinwhore: **so-called “science experts” would have you believe humans evolved from primates with the claim that we share 99% of dna, but humans and pirates share upwards of 99.9% dna

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **this,, makes a lot of sense???

**Mike: **bev DON’T encourage him

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **how can u remain blind to the truth when it is laid out so clearly for us???

**despacito bitch: **oh dear god

**baby meanie: **tell them about the beer volcano and the stripper factory

**gryffinwhore: **in pastafarian heaven there is a beer volcano and a stripper factory

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **what about hell?

**gryffinwhore: **the beer is stale and the strippers have stds

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **sign me the fuck up

**despacito bitch: **this is,, so stupid

**baby meanie: **shut up bill don’t act like u didn’t seriously consider joining jediism when u found out that was a real religion

**Mike: **what

**monkey man: **like from star wars????????

**despacito bitch: **i was joking

**baby meanie: **no u weren’t

**Stanley: **Oh, my god. 

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **guys i can't believe this

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **[richiegettingpicturetaken.jpg]

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **they're letting him wear the colander

**baby meanie: **ajkefnaofneof

**Stanley: **Maggie's going to kill him.

**levvie > ditchie**

Wednesday, 4:55PM

**levvie: **we need to finish the bio report

**ditchie: **no dont worry about it

**ditchie: **send it to me and i'll do it

**levvie: **dude are u sure

**ditchie: **yeah im on a ROLL

**levvie: **asdfghjkl ok??

**bev and the bottoms**

Wednesday, 8:48PM

**gryffinwhore: **guys

**gryffinwhore: **i've found my calling

**Stanley: **Oh, great.

**Stanley: **What is it this time?

**gryffinwhore: **im going to be a musician

**Stanley: **No, you aren't.

**gryffinwhore: **fuck u stan

**monkey man: **what kind of musician richie

**gryffinwhore: **good question haystack

**gryffinwhore: **i havent decided yet

**baby meanie: **you are an idiot

**gryffinwhore: **maybe i'll be every kind of musician at once

**baby meanie: **lmao yeah ok hmu when youve learned to play the chinese mandolin

**gryffinwhore: **you'''llll see eds

**baby meanie: **not eds

**gryffinwhore: **i'll be back i n a second

**monkey man: **?????????

Wednesday, 10:12PM

**gryffinwhore: **ok im back

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ok i cant count but i think that was more than a second

**despacito bitch: **whattup im bev, im 17, and i never fckn learned how to count

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **:(

**despacito bitch: **go on richard wheres the song

**gryffinwhore: **[richie'ssong.mp3]

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **omg its fucking awful

**gryffinwhore: **thats bc i havent got an instrument yet

**despacito bitch: **no i dont think that's it

**Stanley: **Worse than Nickelback.

**gryffinwhore: **FUCK YOU THEN

**baby meanie: **woah rich calm down

**baby meanie: **we're just joking around

**gryffinwhore: **ha ha yeah good one

**gryffinwhore: **admit it eddie you think its shit too

**gryffinwhore: **fuck you guys

**monkey man: **????????

**despacito bitch: **what the fuck just happened

Thursday, 3:33AM

**gryffinwhore: **the teleletubbies are making me cry

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **dude what

**gryffinwhore: **theyere

**gryffinwhore: **so happy?????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **uh ok?

**gryffinwhore: **i wish that were me

**gryffinwhore: **illiterate

**gryffinwhore: **eating custard

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **so ur legit watching the fucking teletubbies at 3am

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **wait are u snaking my weed

**gryffinwhore: **no im crying

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **go to bed u fucking weasel

**ditchie > levvie**

Thursday, 8:02AM

**ditchie: **good morning levvie dearest

**levvie: **good morning???

**levvie:** pray tell what constitutes this greeting

**ditchie: **its a lovely day, dont ya think?

**ditchie: **far too lovely to waste on school

**levvie: **why richard, are you saying what i think youre saying

**ditchie: **i do believe i am

**ditchie: **meet me in the parking lot in 10

**levvie: **;)

**eds > dick**

Thursday, 8:54AM

**eds: **where the fuck are you dickwad

**mommy issues > daddy issues**

Thursday, 10:31AM

**mommy issues: **hellooooooo??

**mommy issues: **where the fuck are you two??

**stan the man > rich the bitch**

Thursday, 11:03AM

**stan the man: **Number one: What the fuck was up with you in the group chat this morning?

**stan the man: **Number two: Where the fuck are you?

**stan the man: **Are you trying to give your mother a brain aneurysm?

**stan the man: **Are you trying to give Eddie a brain aneurysm?

**stan the man: **Because you're about to succeed.

**jonathan > jordan**

Thursday, 11:46AM

**jonathan: **are you ditching?????????

**bev and the bottoms**

Thursday, 1:06PM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oops sorry for going awol guys

**baby meanie: **dude where the fuck are you

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **[bevandrichieinthesunshine.jpg]

**monkey man: **you guys are so cute!!

**Mike: **can confirm u both look amazing

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **u guys are so sweet!!! i love you <3

**Stanley: **I feel obligated to give you a run down of what is happening here even though I'm mad at you for ditching us.

**Stanley: **Eddie is speechless.

**Stanley: **Like, I think he's gone into shock.

**baby meanie: **shut up no i havent

**gryffinwhore: **whys he gone into shock

**despacito bitch: **lmao of course now is when richie makes his appearance

**baby meanie: **im not in shock

**Stanley: **[eddieinshock.jpg]

**baby meanie: **FUCK OFF

**gryffinwhore: **cute cute cute!!!

**baby meanie: **yeah well you dont look so bad either

**despacito bitch: **wow

**despacito bitch: **i dont think ive ever heard anything more romantic

**baby meanie: **maybe thats bc i wasnt trying to be romantic dipshit

**gryffinwhore: **:( i was

**baby meanie: **i will cut you

**monkey man: **where are you guys???????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **bassey park having a picnic

**baby meanie: **thanks for the invite

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ur telling me u would have said yes to ditching if we'd asked?

**baby meanie: **not the point

**gryffinwhore: **love u eddie <3

**baby meanie: **love u too ??

**Mike: **aw now isnt that sweet

**baby meanie: **I WONT HESITATE BITCH

**big bill > eddie boy**

Thursday, 1:22PM

**big bill: **i saw what you just did

**eddie boy: **dont know what youre talking about????

**big bill: **i SAW u save bev's picture as your lock screen

**eddie boy: **yeah i love my friends???

**eddie boy: **what's wrong with that?????

**big bill: **( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**eddie boy: **LEAVE ME ALONE

**bev and the bottoms**

Thursday, 2:13PM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **so quick update

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **richie's convinced that he really is going to be a world famous musician

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **so we're at eames music emporium buying a guitar right now

**despacito bitch: **lol what

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **[richiewithguitar.jpg]

**monkey man: **that looks expensive??????????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **its 10k

**baby meanie: **dude WHAT

**baby meanie: **HOW does he think he's paying for that??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **he's saying he asked his dad for a loan

**monkey man: **of ten thousand dollars????????

**baby meanie: **bev this is NOT a good idea

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **its fckn funny lol

**baby meanie: **bev!!!

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **its too late he's bought it

**Richie: **best purchase of my career

**monkey man: **are you guys high again?????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **maybe

**Stanley: **You are going to be in so much trouble.

**Stanley: **I can't wait.

**dick > eds**

Thursday, 11:33PM

**dick: **but soft! what light through yonder window breaks

**dick: **it is the east and spaghetti man is the sun

**dick: **arise fair sun and kill the envious moon who is already sick and pale with grief

**dick: **that thou her maid art far more fair than she be not her maid since she is envious

**dick: **oh it is my lady oh it is my love oh that she knew she were

**eds: **richie what the fuck

**dick: **she speaks!! yet she says nothing

**dick: **what of that?

**dick: **her eye discourses i will answer it

**eds: **?????????????

**eds: **are u quoting romeo and juliet??????????

**dick: **see how she leans her cheek upon her hand

**dick: **oh that i were a glove upon that hand that i might touch that cheek

**eds: **.........u finished??

**dick: **it would have worked better if u were at ur window

**eds: **what????

**dick: **im at ur window

**eds: **why are u quoting romeo and juliet at me

**dick: **i memorized it

**eds: **???????? when

**dick: **about ten minutes ago

**eds: **u are such an idiot

**dick: **;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time for richie to read a book called Calm Down Time. 
> 
> sincere apologies for the cop-out on last chapter’s cliffhanger. BUT next weeks chapter will make up for it, i promise ;) 
> 
> the songs that the losers were listening to were: [dancing in the moonlight](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yBnIUX0QAE) by toploader, [heart of glass](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGU_4-5RaxU) by blondie, [both sides now](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m_t3_1vbX8) by joni mitchell, [billie jean](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi_XLOBDo_Y) by michael jackson (obv), [rondo alla turca](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quxTnEEETbo) by mozart, [my sharona](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbr60I0u2Ng) by the knack, and......[despacito](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72UO0v5ESUo) by luis fonsi (come on bill WHY).
> 
> for those of you who are wondering, richie was watching an episode of teletubbies called "Football", which you can find [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_mzEbff9Ws&t=931s) \- idk why you'd be wondering that...but.
> 
> please leave your feedback in the comments below. i love reading all of them, they make my day <3


	10. the 2am vaccuum sesh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Audrey: **how did u know that audrey was my real name lol
> 
> **Stanley: **Bill likes to read out your Wikipedia page as a bedtime story.
> 
> **William: **SHUT UP NO I DONT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long i was busy graduating lol. 
> 
> anyway this chapter is kind of a mess and massively chaotic BUT it’s what you’ve all been waiting for!! so buckle up and prepare yourselves i guess…

**bev and the bottoms**

Friday, 4:51AM

**gryffinwhore: **hey boy stop

**gryffinwhore: **pacing round the room using other peoples faces as a mirror for you

**gryffinwhore: **i know your lungs need filling since your gums have lost their feeling

**gryffinwhore: **but don't say you're giving it up again

**gryffinwhore: **and do you have a card my irregular heart beat is starting to compact itself

**gryffinwhore: **hes just a simple diabetic that prevents the empathetic from being just and giving it up

**gryffinwhore: **and you're the only thing that’s going on in my mind

**gryffinwhore: **taking over my life a second time

**gryffinwhore: **I dont have the capacity for fucking youre meant to be helping me

**gryffinwhore: **when I said i liked it better without my money i lied

**gryffinwhore: **it took a little while to recognize

**gryffinwhore: **im not giving it up again

Friday, 5:32AM

**Mike: **lol rich wtf

**gryffinwhore: **good morning mikey mike!!

**gryffinwhore: **omg

_gryffinwhore changed Mike’s nickname to mikey mike._

**mikey mike: **whats with the wall of text richie rich?

**gryffinwhore: **they are song lyr ics my friend

**gryffinwhore: **good song u should liste n to it

**mikey mike: **ok whats it called

**gryffinwhore: **UGH!

**mikey mike: **ok gee im sorry I don’t know what the songs called :(

**gryffinwhore: **no that’s the title

**gryffinwhore: **UGH!

**gryffinwhore: **its by the 1975

**mikey mike: **oooooh ok

**mikey mike: **I have to go do my chores

**mikey mike: **I’ll listen while I work

**gryffinwhore: **ayayayayayayayaya

**eds > dick**

Friday, 7:04AM

**eds: **where did u go??

**eds: **why were you up at 4AM????

**dick: **sorry eddie my love

**dick: **i would have woken u but u look so beautiful asleep

**eds: **ha ha

**dick: **<3

**eds: **ur an idiot

**eds: **and u didnt answer my question

**dick: **what question

**eds: **u fucking idiot it says it right there

**eds: **where did u goooooooooo

**dick: **its a surpriiiiiiiise

**eds: **>:(

**dick: **<3

**bev and the bottoms**

Friday, 7:22AM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **@richie when was the last time u fckn slept dude

**gryffinwhore: **cant remember lol

**monkey man: **that's??? not good???????

**gryffinwhore: **once i did not sleep for 3 weeks

**Stanley: **Yeah, and it was fucking awful.

**Stanley: **You could barely speak near the end of it.

**gryffinwhore: **ha good times

**Stanley: **No.

**gryffinwhore: **i will sleep tonight

**gryffinwhore: **surrounded by my bffs and snuggling w my eds

**Stanley: **Gross.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **NO its cute!!!!!!!!!!!

**gryffinwhore: **not as cute as eddie spaghetti

**levvie > ditchie**

Friday, 7:29AM

**levvie: **GAYYYYYYYYYYYY GAY GAY GAY GAYYYY GAY GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GAY GAYYY GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

**ditchie: **ALKEDNFWEJOFNWOCNOCNSOKCNSOCNWO

**dick > eds**

Friday, 9:36AM

**dick: **u look really cute today

**eds: **?????????????

**dick: **i cant stop looking at u

**dick: **u look so good im gonna cream my pants

**eds: **fuck off 

**eddie boy > big bill**

Friday, 9:52AM

**eddie boy: **[richie's texts.jpg]

**eddie boy: **what the FUCK is going on

**big bill: **BITCH hes IN LOVE with you

**eddie boy: **STOP SAYING THAT

**big bill: **BUT ITS TRUE

**eddie boy: **AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**levvie > ** **ditchie**

Friday, 10:16AM

**levvie: **did u remember to hand up the bio thing this morning?

**ditchie: **it's all coooooooooool

**levvie: **:)

**bev and the bottoms**

Friday, 2:03PM

**despacito bitch: **whats the movie choice lads

**gryffinwhore: **sausage party

**despacito bitch: **no

**gryffinwhore: **the emoji movie

**despacito bitch: **no

**gryffinwhore: **halloween h20 20 years later

**despacito bitch: **no

**gryffinwhore: **a cinderella story: once upon a song

**despacito bitch: **no

**gryffinwhore: **the human centipede

**baby meanie: **NO

**despacito bitch: **no

**mikey mike: **SUPERBAD

**despacito bitch: **no

**despacito bitch: **oh wait a minute sure

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **lmao richie broke bill

**gryffinwhore: **its fine ive seen them all before anyway

**baby meanie: **u r the worst

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **how DARE u say that about a cinderella story: once upon a song

**baby meanie: **its not even the og cinderella story????????????

**monkey man: **technically the og cinderella story ended with the ugly step sisters getting their eyes ripped out by crows.........

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ben honey WHAT

**mikey mike: **ben's challenging bill for the crown of king of saying random creepy shit

**despacito bitch: **one time i dreamt i was eating a bowl of grapes but then it turned out it was actually a bowl of eyeballs

**mikey mike: **nvm

**Stanley: **Second movie, anybody?

**gryffinwhore: **blair witch project

**baby meanie: **no not another fucking horror movie

**gryffinwhore: **but edsssssssssssss

**baby meanie: **not eds

**gryffinwhore: **if we dont watch a horror movie u wont let me hold ur hand :(

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **AKSODNFOJNDWODASI

**baby meanie: **shut up

**despacito bitch: **so precious,, my heart,,,

**baby meanie: **SHUT UP

**monkey man: **how about hot rod??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ooooooh yeah good idea benny!!

**gryffinwhore: **idk depends on if eddie will let me hold his hand through it

**baby meanie: **if i say yes will u maybe be quiet just for one minute please

**gryffinwhore: **maybe

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **@bill dont freak out

**despacito bitch: **ok i wont??

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **should i invite audra tonight?

**despacito bitch: **oh ok

**despacito bitch: **im freaking out

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **so no?

**despacito bitch: **NO

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **no?

**despacito bitch: **no

**despacito bitch: **i mean yes

**despacito bitch: **i mean invite her

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ok uwu

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **oh also @richie when should we come tomorrow

**gryffinwhore: **prob like 6??

**monkey man: **where are we going tomorrow????????????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **babe we're going to richie's

**monkey man: **since when??????????????

**mikey mike: **ben.. we've been planning it all week

**monkey man: **what????????????

**baby meanie: **ben omfsajdnajsdajasaks

**monkey man: **since when?????????

**Stanley: **I think Richie brought it up at Monday lunch?

**despacito bitch: **bitches be like "if we didnt discuss it in the chat it didnt happen"

**despacito bitch: **ben's bitches

**monkey man: **ok so whats happening??????

**Stanley: **Richie's parents are going out of town until Wednesday so we're hanging out at his house tomorrow night.

**monkey man: **ok

**baby meanie: **richie the mvp

**gryffinwhore: **dude STOP i’ll like actually literally kiss you so fucking much if you keep being so perfect bro listen i just.. what the fuck man i love you

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **RICHIE ASKSWEFJBSKS

**baby meanie: **richie why

**gryffinwhore: **ur just so CUTE

**baby meanie: **fuck off

**gryffinwhore: **CUTE CUTE CUTE

**mom and dad are fighting again**

Friday, 2:31PM

_Beverly changed the group name to mom and dad are 10000% in love_

**William: **ok we're going here.

**Beverly: **YES WE'RE GOING HERE

**Beverly: **DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT

**Beverly: **WHAT THE FUCK

**Benjamin: **do you guys think that richie's going to do something tonight???????????????

**Beverly: **omg i didnt even think about that

**Beverly: **ben babe ur a genius

**Michael: **ok but why would richie tell him NOW

**Beverly: **idk but hellooooooooo 

**Beverly: **did u SEE those fuckers at lunch???

**Michael: **no u bitch I wasn't there

**Stanley: **[richieandeddieatlunch1.avi]

**Stanley: **[richieandeddieatlunch2.avi]

**William: **stan wut

**Stanley: **[richieandeddieatlunch3.avi]

**Benjamin: **you were filming that whole time???????????????

**Stanley: **[richieandeddieatlunch4.avi]

**Stanley: **I am a master of espionage.

**Beverly: **richie cannot keep he gotdam hands to himself

**Michael: **yeah but look at EDDIE

**Michael: **all giggling and blushing omg

**William: **STEP BACK 

**William: **I THINK IM GONNA VOMIT

**Benjamin: **that's not very nice :(

**Michael: **ben.......

**Benjamin: **oh

**Benjamin: **its another vine isn't it

**Beverly: **L

**Benjamin: **D:

**Bev Marsh > Audra Phillips**

Friday, 3:06PM

**Bev: **hey idk if ur busy tonight but if u aren't ur welcome to come to our movie night :)

**Audra: **ooooooh like with ur friends??

**Bev: **yep

**Audra: **omg are richie and eddie going to be there????

**Bev: **askfskjslskdj yeah they'll be there

**Bev: **and its a good night tbh i think somethings going to happen

**Audra: **!!!!!!!!!!!! ok im there

**Audra: **WAIT

**Bev: **?

**Audra: **is bill going to be there

**Bev: **well its at his house so yeah

**Audra: **great

**Audra: **cant wait to meet my biggest fan :)

**Bev: **SKLSDLASKDD 

**ex-gf > ex-bf**

Friday, 3:22PM

**ex-gf: **audra's coming

**ex-gf: **she said she "cant wait to meet her biggest fan"

**ex-bf: **oh fuck

**ex-gf: **lol wot?????

**ex-gf: **isnt this a good thing

**ex-bf: **no yeah it is

**ex-bf: **i gotta go i'll see u tonight

**ex-gf: **ok??? bye

**Bill Denbrough > Audra Phillips**

Friday, 3:37PM

**Bill: **hey 

**Bill: **bev told me that you're coming tonight

**Audra: **yep :)

**Audra: **i hope you don't mind - i know its like meant to be just ur friends

**Bill: **no ur all good

**Bill: **u can be an honorary loser for the night 

**Audra: **"loser"????

**Bill: **oh yeah thats what the dicks used to call us back in middle school

**Audra: **lmao dude whomst the fuck was calling u a loser???

**Bill: **wdym

**Audra: **i mean bev showed me pics of u...........u dont look like a loser to me

**Bill: **oh 

**Bill: **well

**Bill: **the thing is

**Bill: **i have a 

**Bill: **rly bad stutter

**Audra: **oh

**Audra: **is that it?

**Bill: **um yeah?

**Audra: **dude thats nothing

**Audra: **i used to have an awful lisp.........like the WORST

**Bill: **what no way

**Audra: **yes way

**Audra: **and if u sell that to the press i will smack u so hard u wont stutter anymore

**Bill: **ok got it

**Audra: **u dont have anything to worry about :)

**Audra: **i'll see u tonight

**Bill: **ok yeah

**Bill: **see you tonight

**bev and the bottoms**

Friday, 7:56PM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **@mike bring pie

**mikey mike: **no pie this week

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **:(

**mikey mike: **BUT I do have brownies

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **:))))))

Friday, 11:00PM

**despacito bitch: **@richie @bev @eddie where did u guys go??

**mom and dad are 10000% in love**

Friday, 7:43PM

_Beverly added Audra Phillips to the group._

**Beverly: **shhhhhhh

**William: **what the hell

**Audra: **ooooooh another group chat!!

**Benjamin: **what's going on????????

**Michael: **where are you

**Beverly: **im in the upstairs bathroom

**William: **ok and

_Stanley changed Audra Phillips's nickname to Audrey._

**William: **stanley is now the time???

**Audrey: **how did u know that audrey was my real name lol

**Stanley: **Bill likes to read out your Wikipedia page as a bedtime story.

**William: **SHUT UP NO I DONT

**Benjamin: **GUYS

**William: **right sorry whats going on bev

**Beverly: **the window was open so i maybe heard something

**Beverly: **fuck it im filming it

**Michael: **what??

**Beverly: **[1 video attachment: "**........you really are the cutest boy I've ever met, Eds.**" "Shut up. Also, don't call me that." "**Aw, come on! You love it.**" "No." "**Cute cute cute!**" "Fucking hell." "_................._" "Rich?" "**Yeah?**" "You remember when we were at Hernandez's party last week?" "**Oh, jeez, it's a bit of a stretch, Eds.**" "Fucker." "**Oh...wait...oh yeah, I remember! What about it?**" "You said..." "_.........................._" "**Said what?**" "You said...I'm all you think about." "**Oh. You caught that, huh?**" "What did you mean, Richie?" "**Well, what I said. You're all I think about.**" "Oh yeah. Just like you're always thinking about how my mom was in bed last night. Real funny." "**I'm serious,** **Eds**." "Huh?" "**I'm serious.**** I think about you all the time. Every hour of every day, there's a Spaghetti Man running 'round my head.**" "This isn't very funny." "**Not a joke.**" "But...I...you-" "**I think I'm going to kiss you now.**" "Uh..." "_.............................................._" "Okay, that was...I mean - wow." "**The way I feel about you isn't a joke.**" "...And how do you feel...about me?" "**Like you're the only person that matters in the whole world. Like I can't breathe until I'm with you.**" "Wow, okay." "**I like you _so much_, Eds. And it's kinda killing me that you're not saying it back right now.**" "Fuck. I mean, Ilikeyoutoo, obviously. I thought I was so obvious..." "**Maybe you were. But I'm an idiot.**" "Yeah, well, so am I." "_.................._" "Fuck, I can't stop smiling." "**Me neither.**" "_.............................._"]

**William: **oh

**William: **my

**William: **GOD

**Benjamin: **WAIT

**Audrey: **I CANT BELIEVE IM HERE TO SEE THIS

**William: **did u just get that on camera???

**Beverly: **i think im crying again

**Beverly: **they're STILL making out

**Stanley: **They did it. They actually did it.

**William: **fuck

**William: **we're never going to hear the end of this

**Michael: **oh no

**Audrey: **shush its CUTE

**William: **fuck what happens when richie flirts with eddie in the chat

**William: **and EDDIE FLIRTS BACK???????????

**Beverly: **omg i'll cry

**Stanley: **Oh god.

**Beverly: **WAIT GUYS THEY'RE COMING BACK INSIDE

**Beverly: **ACT NORMAL

**Stanley: **Oh god. 

**dick > eds**

Saturday, 2:58AM

**dick: **are u awake

**eds: **yes

**eds: **we are right next to each other why are u messaging me

**dick: **stan will yell at me if i wake him up

**eds: **fair

**dick: **anyway

**dick: **u r very good a making out

**dick: **even better than i imagined

**eds: **u srsly messaged me just to say that??

**dick: **i can do more

**dick: **ur the cutest boy in the world

**dick: **every time i see you my heart explodes in my chest

**eds: **holy fuck

**dick: **yeah

**eds: **sorry i just keep forgetting that i dont have to pretend anymore

**dick: **pretend?

**eds: **yeah dude i've liked u for...... literally such a long fucking time

**eds: **i cant even remember how long

**dick: **YOWZA eds

**dick: **say shit like that u might just kill me

**eds: **and idk every time you'd flirt with me i'd just think u were joking or making fun of me

**dick: **never

**dick: **how could i make fun of my eddie spaghetti?

**eds: **ha ha

**dick: **do u think the others would notice if we started making out rn

**eds: **yes

**dick: **D:

**eds: **but the bathrooms on the other side of the house..

**dick: **:D

**levvie > ditchie**

Saturday, 3:13AM

**levvie: **look it's cute u told him u liked him but could u PLEASE get out of the bathroom I NEED TO PEE

**bev and the bottoms**

Saturday, 10:52AM

**monkey man: **bill did I leave my sweater at your house???????

**despacito bitch: **yeah i'll bring it tonight 

**monkey man: **:)

Saturday, 11:21AM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **@richie do u need us to bring le algae hall tonite???

**baby meanie: **wtf is algae hall?? bitch im gonna kill u

**gryffinwhore: **don't worry about it i've got a bunch of stuff

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **cool

**Stanley: **Who's on drinking duty tonight?

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **SHOTGUN NOT

**Stanley: **You can't just shotgun not every time.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **yes i can

**Stanley: **No, you can't.

**monkey man: **I'll do it guys

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **my hero!!

**monkey man: **:)

**Stanley: **One day, Marsh. One day.

Saturday, 12:32PM

**mikey mike: **so i was making my morning delivery and guess who i saw in the window of the scoop?

**monkey man: **who????????

**mikey mike: **[bill&audra.jpg]

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **BILL OMG

**despacito bitch: **guys stopppppp

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **dude u got a date with a MOVIE STAR we be YELLING

**despacito bitch: **yeah well u got a date with BEN so who's REALLY winning here??

**monkey man: **omg??????????????????

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **he's right :)

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **benny is the best bf ever

**monkey man: **<3

Saturday, 6:16PM

**monkey man: **running late guys sorry :(

**mikey mike: **its ok we're waiting for u

**monkey man: **:)

Saturday, 9:34PM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **[richiewatchinginfomercials.avi]

**despacito bitch: **lmaoooooo

**baby meanie: **are u fucking kidding me

**Stanley: **You send us to get ice and this is what you're doing?

**baby meanie: **what did he buy i'll kill him

**mikey mike: **he bought a george foreman grill, a magic bullet and a snuggie

**baby meanie: **bennnnnn ur meant to be watching them what are u doing????????

**monkey man: **sorry guys bev was distracting me

**baby meanie: **ew

**Stanley: **Shut up Eddie like you're any better.

**baby meanie: **HEY

**Stanley: **We're on our way back now. Don't let Richie buy anything else.

Saturday, 11:11PM

**despacito bitch: **[richiedancingtoheartofglass.avi]

**baby meanie: **i HATE him

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **no u dont 

Sunday, 4:06AM

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **are any of u awake????????????

**despacito bitch: **yeah i am

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **ok do u know whom the fuck is vaccuuming right now??

**despacito bitch: **i think its richie

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **what the fuck

**despacito bitch: **hes been going for two hours

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **WHAT

**despacito bitch: **yeah thats when it woke me up

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **holy shit how fucking drunk is he

**despacito bitch: **hes probably still drinking knowing trashmouth

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **wait

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **did he just stop?

**despacito bitch: **oh thank god

**despacito bitch: **im going to sleep

**despacito bitch: **night bev

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **night billy

Sunday, 9:02AM

**Stanley: **I hate this chat.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **aslkdjdlf;askd

**mikey mike: **wait so richie was vaccuuming his room from 2 til 4 this morning???

**baby meanie: **i hate him wtf

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **guys shhhh dont wake bill

**mikey mike: **where is richie anyway??

**baby meanie: **idk he's probably in the bathroom or something

**baby meanie: **i'll go check

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **god that fucktard was so wasted last night

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **hes going to have a mad hangover

**Stanley: **I have a mad hangover.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **aw stan

**baby meanie: **guys

**baby meanie: **i can't find richie anywhere

**mikey mike: **what?

**baby meanie: **did any of u see him this morning

**baby meanie: **ive checked every room hes not here

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **jfc he probably went wandering off last night

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **how wasted was he??

**monkey man: **uh guys

**Stanley: **Well, he did spend a solid 30 minutes straight jumping on the trampoline, so I'd say pretty wasted.

**monkey man: **guys

**baby meanie: **i hate this stupid idiot

**monkey man: **GUYS

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **sorry ben what is it?

**monkey man: **richie wasn't drinking last night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave any thoughts or feedback in the comments! as always i love reading them <3 thanks guys


	11. richie's secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _bev :( renamed the group chat's so dead without trashmouth._
> 
> **monkey man: **:(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (please note: this chapter is subtitled "STAN'S TIME TO FUCKING SHINE" bc i've been overwhelmed by a surge of love for him.)
> 
> so i think some of you have guessed what's going on with richie. (i KNOW at least one of you has lol) but in case you haven't. here is the b i g r e v e a l. hold onto your hats.
> 
> fair warning some of the interaction in this gets a bit choppy bc...obviously they'd be talking in person. so if it seems like it jumps from one thing to something completely different: i know. i did it on purpose almost.
> 
> also!! i'm not american, but i've put in american phone numbers??? idk if they're right so...there's that
> 
> what else??? uh, it gets complicated through fanon as to whether richie's parents are shitty, neglectful or pretty damn cool. i tend to lean towards the pretty damn cool category. so in this fic, richie's parents may not be the greatest but they love him loads and try their best. so yeah.
> 
> thanks for reading, enjoy!!

**bev and the bottoms**

Sunday, 9:08AM

**baby meanie: **ben

**baby meanie: **what do you mean

**monkey man: **I mean that richie didnt drink anything last night

**monkey man: **I was watching everybody and he didnt drink anything

**Stanley: **Fuck.

**Stanley: **This is bad.

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **could he not have drunk something after we went to sleep??

**monkey man: **nothings missing from what was leftover last night

**mikey mike: **stan what's going on

**Stanley: **Nothing.

**Stanley: **I don't know.

**Stanley: **I just know that whatever it is, it can't be good.

**baby meanie: **fuck guys what do we do

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **his cars gone

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **he could be anywhere

**baby meanie: **somebody call him

**Stanley: **His phone's still here.

**mikey mike: **how did richie get the alochol anyway

**mikey mike: **didnt his fake get confiscated last month??

**monkey man: **you guys

**monkey man: **I think he stole it

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **fuck

**baby meanie: **i dont like this

**Stanley: **Somebody wake Bill up. We're having a meeting in the kitchen right now.

**stanathan > billiam**

Sunday, 10:38AM

**stanathan: **Any luck?

**billiam: **no dude

**billiam: **we checked the scoop, the arcade and the aladdin as well as freese's and keene's

**billiam: **nada

**billiam: **what about you?

**stanathan: **He's not at the quarry or the kissing bridge. We're checking the Barrens right now but if he's here and we haven't found him by now I don't think we're going to.

**billiam: **eddie is freaking out

**stanathan: **Yeah I'll bet.

**stanathan: **What's he saying?

**billiam: **hes talking about how he came on too strong and scared richie off or something

**stanathan: **I shouldn't be laughing right now, but god he's a fucking idiot.

**billiam: **yeah i know

**billiam: **we're gonna circle back to richie's and lock up i think

**stanathan: **Okay. I'll talk to you in a while.

**(207) 421-6358 > (207) 774-8263**

Sunday, 10:52AM

**(207) 421-6358: **[1 voicemail message: "Hey Maggie, it's Stan. I'm sorry to be calling, I know you're meant to be on a trip right now but...it's Richie. I think he's having an episode. We were hanging out last night and he left without saying anything and...uh, we can't find him anywhere. I'm sorry. We've been looking for him all morning but I...I just thought you should know. So...yeah. Call me back."]

**stanathan > billiam**

Sunday, 11:13AM

**stanathan: **I called Richie's mom. They're coming back early.

**billiam: **dude was that a good idea??

**stanathan: **Sorry, what?

**stanathan: **Did you forget the part where our friend has vanished without a trace?

**billiam: **yeah i know but hes been gone for less than 24 hours

**billiam: **what if he just decided to go for a drive or something

**billiam: **he'll be pissed that you snitched on him

**stanathan: **I don't think that's what's happening here.

**billiam: **do you know something

**stanathan: **No.

**stanathan: **I just have a bad feeling.

**billiam: **yeah, so do i

**billiam: **you probably did the right thing

**bev and the bottoms**

Sunday, 6:49PM

**mikey mike: **anybody heard anything??

**despacito bitch: **no

**despacito bitch: **bev and i did another loop an hour ago but still nothing

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **he's probably not even in town he could be fucking anywhere 

**dr sexy carlisle cullen ;): **i cant keep this fucking nickname it's too stupid for when we're talking about serious stuff

_dr sexy carlisle cullen ;) changed their nickname to bev :(._

**monkey man: **:(

**baby meanie: **guys what do we fucking do

**mikey mike: **I don't think there's anything we can do

**mikey mike: **we just have to wait

**baby meanie: **should we call the police or something??

**Stanley: **His parents are back in town and they know he's run off.

**Stanley: **Mike's right. There's not much we can do except wait for him to come back.

Monday, 7:15AM

**bev :(: **any updates?

**Stanley: **No.

**monkey man: **it feels wrong to be going to school when we have no idea where richie is

**bev :(: **i hate this

**despacito bitch: **we'll look again after school ok

**Audra Phillips > Bill Denbrough**

Monday, 3:44PM

**Audra: **hey, they're doing a showing of the shining at the aladdin tonight

**Audra: **do u want to go check it out?

**Bill: **i really do but i can't i'm sorry

**Audra: **oh that's ok

**Audra: **another time

**Bill: **like i reallyyy want to

**Bill: **but richie's gone awol and we were all going to go out and look for him

**Audra: **wdym "gone awol"?

**Bill: **we were hanging out saturday night and he ran off the next morning

**Bill: **haven't seen him since

**Audra: **shit

**Audra: **do u think he's ok?

**Bill:** i mean on the one hand he's a big boy and he can handle himself

**Bill:** but on the other hand...it's richie

**Audra: **ok well i'll keep an eye out around town for him

**Bill: **thanks audra

**bev and the bottoms**

Monday, 6:39PM

**despacito bitch: **still nothing

**baby meanie: **i feel like i'm going fucking nuts

**baby meanie: **WHERE IS HE

**mikey mike: **I think we've exhausted the search party for today

**despacito bitch: **if you guys want you can come back to mine for hot chocolate

**bev :(: **thanks bill

**Stanley: **You guys go ahead, I'm going to keep looking.

**mikey mike: **you sure stan?

**Stanley: **Yeah. I'll talk to you guys later.

**(207) 421-6358 > (207) 774-8263**

Tuesday, 3:03AM

**(207) 421-6358: **[1 voicemail message: "Hey Maggie, it's Stan. I'm just calling to let you know that I found him. Uh, Richie, I mean." "_Ha! I'm not going home, Stan._" "Sorry, that's him. _Stop jumping like that you'll fall off!_ Sorry. I'm, uh, _hang on__!_, we're at the Holiday Inn Motel. I think Richie's been using Went's credit card. He's fine...well, he's physically fine. I think it would be best if you came and picked us up." "_Fuck off Stan!_" "We're in room number two-" "_NO! DON'T TELL THEM WHERE WE ARE! BOM-BOM-BOM-BOM-!_" "_Shut the fuck up! _We're in room two-one-" "_BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP-!_" "Two-one-nine. See you soon." "_Stanley, you fu-_"]

Tuesday, 4:11AM

**(207) 774-8263: **Stan. Thank you so much for all you've done for Richie. You're a good friend and I'm very glad that he has you in his life. Anyway! A couple of months ago, he gave me a letter that he wanted me to give to you the next time he had an episode. I'm sorry, I forgot to give it to you - tonight's been so hectic - but I'll send through a picture. Thanks again.

**(207) 774-8263: **[1 image attachment: "Stan the man. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you over the years. And I'm sorry that I've made you hide it from everybody else. If you're reading this, it means I've gotten bad again, and I'm probably not listening to anything anybody's saying. Or maybe I've broken into the monkey enclosure at the Bangor Zoo again. Either way, I don't think it's fair to keep it from the others anymore. And I know that I should tell them myself, but honestly, that could take another month. And I don't think it's fair to make them wait another month. And...I'm scared, Stan. I don't want them to treat me any differently. I don't want them to think I'm crazy. The point is - can you tell them for me, please? All of it. Tell them everything. I can't hide this anymore. Thanks. Love you Stan. -Rich"]

**billiam > stanathan**

Tuesday, 9:03AM

**billiam: **hey why aren't you in school??

**bev and the bottoms**

Tuesday, 9:30AM

**Stanley: **Hey guys. We found Richie last night. He's at home at the moment with his parents and he's okay.

**bev :(: **holy fuck stan

**mikey mike: **thank god he's ok

**baby meanie: **where the fuck has he been

**Stanley: **There's something he wanted me to tell you guys.

**mikey mike: **what is it

**Stanley: **Richie has bipolar disorder. 

**bev :(: **well fuck

**despacito bitch: **oh my god

**Stanley: **He's sorry that he didn't tell you guys. He just hates the idea of you treating him differently.

**mikey mike: **so he's been having a manic episode

**Stanley: **Yes.

**baby meanie: **how long

**Stanley: **What?

**baby meanie: **how long has he been manic for

**Stanley: **It's hard to tell. But if I had to guess, I'd say since about last Monday?

**bev :(: **fuck

**mikey mike: **so all the shit on saturday night.........

**Stanley: **yeah he was manic

**monkey man: **where did you find him stan?????

**Stanley: **He'd booked himself a room at the Holiday Inn. As far as I know, he broke the vaccuum cleaner on Sunday morning so he drove to Bangor to buy a new one, then he came back and booked himself into the motel where he's been fucking around for the past two days.

**Stanley: **Which is honestly pretty lucky. I mean he's racked up a huge amount of debt on his dad's credit card, but he's done way worse in the past.

**monkey man: **how long has he had it????????

**despacito bitch: **how many episodes had he had

**Stanley: **He's had it his whole life, but he was diagnosed when he was fourteen, so about three years ago now.

**Stanley: **I think he's had about five manic episodes since then?

**bev :(: **and we never fucking noticed

**bev :(: **god we're such shitty fucking friends

**Stanley: **No, Bev. You aren't.

**Stanley: **He didn't want you to know.

**mikey mike: **so the colander shit on picture day? that was because he was manic??

**Stanley: **Yeah.

**despacito bitch: **and when he was ducking eddie at the quarry and then immediately forgot about it

**monkey man: **when he said he was listening to the same joni mitchell song for two hours straight????

**bev :(: **god the stupid shit with the fucking guitar

**bev :(: **and i just let him buy it

**bev :(: **like i just thought it was funny

**bev :(: **god i'm the shittiest fucking friend on the planet

**monkey man: **stop bev, you aren't

**Stanley: **If anything I'm the shitty friend because I knew about it and didn't even notice until he'd already run off.

**despacito bitch: **stan are you kidding?

**despacito bitch: **you're the one who fucking found him

**despacito bitch: **you're the one who's been supporting him all this time!!

**mikey mike: **you're the best of all of us stan

**monkey man: **we love you stan!!

**Stanley: **I hate you guys :_)

**bev :(: **oh my god

**bev :(: **that time he put googly eyes on everything in his room-

**bev :(: **was he manic then too??

**Stanley: **Yeah. And remember that time he decided he wanted to become an astronaut so that he could join the Mars Colony, so he did all of that intense training shit?

**mikey mike: **oh my god

**despacito bitch: **WAIT

**despacito bitch: **FUCKING BANGOR ZOO

**bev :(: **what happened at bangor zoo??

**despacito bitch: **back when we were fourteen, stan richie eddie and i went to the bangor zoo for a science field trip

**despacito bitch: **and halfway through richie went missing only for us to find him in the fucking MONKEY ENCLOSURE twenty minutes later

**despacito bitch: **he said he just wanted to play with them but we all thought it was a prank

**Stanley: **Yeah, that was his worst one. First one after he got diagnosed.

**Stanley: **You guys remember his grandma got really sick right after and they had to go to Syracuse to see her?

**Stanley: **That wasn't true. Richie spent the week in the hospital.

**despacito bitch: **oh shit

**mikey mike: **so what can we do for him stan

**Stanley: **Honestly, I'm still figuring it out too.

**Stanley: **When he's manic I mostly leave it to his parents.

**Stanley:** He's probably only a day or two away from cycling out of it, so until then I'd say to avoid talking to him unless he talks to you first. 

**Stanley: **If we overload him with sympathy, it's only going to make it worse.

**bev :(: **ok :/

**Stanley: **He'll pull through, guys. He always does.

Tuesday, 12:48PM

**bev :(: **WAIT

**bev :(: **richie said he was going to do our bio report last thursday

**bev :(: **shit

**bev :(: **im going to fail arent i

**despacito bitch: **[yikes.gif] 

**jonathan > jordan**

Tuesday, 3:42PM

**jonathan: **are you ok?

**jonathan: **you weren't yourself today

**jordan: **i feel awful tbh

**jonathan: **what's wrong?

**jordan: **i've been a bad friend

**jonathan: **no bev you haven't I promise

**jonathan: **you didn't know

**jordan: **yeah but i should have

**jordan: **all i've been doing this whole time is enabling him 

**jordan: **this past week i didn't even stop to consider that he might need help

**jordan: **i just stood on the sidelines and watched and laughed

**jordan: **hell i encouraged him!!!

**jonathan: **bev all I can tell you is that no relationship is perfect

**jonathan: **and yeah, maybe you and richie have fueled each others recklessness in the past

**jonathan: **but this is giving you the chance to grow, to learn

**jonathan: **and in the future you'll be better prepared

**jordan: **wow ben shit's deep

**jordan: **thank you :)

**jonathan: **do you want to hang out?

**jordan: **yeah

**jordan: **standpike in ten?

**jonathan: **see you there

**dick > eds**

Tuesday, 8:41PM

**dick: **I've seen seasons come and go from winter sun to summer snow

**dick: **This ain't my first time at the rodeo

**dick: **Nature ain't a fruit machine she's gotta keep her credits clean

**dick: **Good things come to those who wait but I ain't in a patient phase

**dick: **It's summer time and I hang on the vine They're gonna make me into sweet red wine Hanging around like a fruit on a tree Waiting to be picked, come on cut me free

**dick: **Come on fill your cup up Looking for some good luck Good luck, good luck to you Hanging like a fruit Ready to be juiced Juiced, juiced

**dick: **Living la dolce vita Life couldn't get much sweeter Don't you give me a reason That it's not the right season

**dick: **Babe I love you a lot I'll give you all I've got Yeah, you know that it's true I've been saving all my summers for you I've been saving all my summers for you Like froot like froot

**eds: **richie, i'm really stressed out at the moment. stop texting me

**(207) 774-8263 > (207) 421-6358**

Wednesday, 12:16PM

**(207) 774-8263: **Hi Stan. I just wanted to let you know that it looks like Richie's cycling out of the manic phase. If you could make it I'm sure he'd really like it if you could visit some time in the next couple of days.

**stan the man > rich the bitch**

Wednesday, 12:54PM

**stan the man: **The depression's hit, hasn't it?

**rich the bitch: **yeah

**stan the man: **I told them.

**rich the bitch: **ok

**stan the man: **They still love you just the same. They're just worried.

**rich the bitch: **i dont want them to worry

**stan the man: **I know you don't. But that's just what friends do.

**stan the man: **Remember in sixth grade when I got bitten by that dog and had to go to hospital?

**stan the man: **You were worried about me then. I remember, because you'd ring me up every hour to see how I was doing.

**rich the bitch: **its not the same

**stan the man: **Maybe not completely, but it's similar.

**stan the man: **I'm coming over after school. Do you want me to bring you anything?

**rich the bitch: **no

**rich the bitch: **you shouldnt come

**stan the man: **Too bad. I'm coming.

**stan the man: **I'll see you around four.

**bev and the bottoms**

Wednesday, 4:54PM

**Stanley: **Hey guys, I just went to see Richie. He's in the depression phase now.

**bev :(: **how is he

**Stanley: **Not great, I'll be honest.

**Stanley: **But I think he'd like it if you guys went and saw him too.

**monkey man: **really????

**Stanley: **Yeah.

**Stanley: **I mean, he probably won't talk very much, so you'll just have to sit in a dark room with him lying in his bed.

**Stanley: **But it helps him, even if it doesn't seem like it when you're there.

**despacito bitch: **so just,, sit there in silence??

**Stanley: **I mean, no.

**Stanley: **I tell him about my day or stuff that he's missed. Or sometimes I read to him.

**Stanley: **Sometimes he likes to be hugged, but you have to ask him first.

**Stanley: **Just. Don't smother him. Stay for a bit and then go, unless he asks you to stay. Don't pressure him to feel better. You've just got to be there for him.

**bev :(: **hes so lucky to have had you for all these years stan

**despacito bitch: **stan really is the Man

**Stanley: **:)

**mikey mike: **that smiley face really is fucking creepy 

**big bill > eddie boy**

Wednesday, 5:24PM

**big bill: **when are you going to go see richie?

**eddie boy: **i dont think im going to

**big bill: **what???????

**big bill: **why not???????

**eddie boy: **i just dont think its a very good idea

**big bill: **dude what??????

**big bill: **pretty sure he'd want to see you the most out of all of us

**eddie boy: **come on bill

**big bill: **eddie what's going on???

**eddie boy: **jfc he doesnt actually fucking like me

**eddie boy: **just like he doesnt actually want to be an astronaut, and he's never going to learn the fucking guitar

**eddie boy:** it was all just some fucking crazy idea that he thought would be great to act on at the time without thinking of the consequences!!

**big bill: **i dont think thats true

**eddie boy: **you know what else he's done this week? 

**eddie boy: **he came to my window and started quoting fucking shakespeare to me 

**eddie boy: **he got so over excited that he practically tried drown me at the quarry

**eddie boy: **and now he's been sending me random fucking song lyrics about fruit and summer????

**eddie boy: **NOTHING he's done this week has been rational

**eddie boy: **it's all just bullshit

**eddie boy: **whatever happened between us

**eddie boy: **it's bullshit

**big bill: **im sorry ed

**eddie boy: **yeah well i've learned my lesson

**eddie boy: **i'll know better next time 

**bev and the bottoms**

Wednesday, 7:47PM

**despacito bitch: **just went and saw rich

**bev :(: **how was it

**despacito bitch: **not great

**despacito bitch: **he kept asking me to leave

**Stanley: **He does that. 

**mikey mike: **ben and I are probably gonna go in the morning before school

**bev :(: **i was gonna go tomorrow after school

**Stanley: **Good. He'll appreciate it.

**Stanley: **Trust me.

Thursday, 2:56PM

_bev :( renamed the group chat's so dead without trashmouth._

**monkey man: **:(

**levvie > ditchie**

Thursday, 6:01PM

**levvie: **thanks for letting me come see you today

**levvie: **love you lots rich <3

**ditchie: **sorry

**levvie: **don't be

**ditchie: **it sucks to be around me when im like this

**ditchie: **i know it does

**levvie: **it never sucks to be around you rich

**levvie: **its just

**levvie: **why didn’t you tell me?

**ditchie: **im sorry

**levvie: **no im not angry

**levvie: **i just dont understand why u didnt

**ditchie: **i didnt want people to know

**levvie: **you told stan

**ditchie: **stans different

**ditchie: **hes been my best fried for as long as i can remember

**ditchie: **hes not allowed to judge me or run away when things get hard

**levvie: **i wouldnt do that

**ditchie: **i guess i know that

**ditchie: **but i think i just always wanted to be strong for you bev

**ditchie: **not some loose cannon that you couldnt rely on 

**levvie: **im considering turning around right now to come and give you a fucking hug

**levvie: **richie i love you to bits

**levvie: **and i dont care if you get sad sometimes, or other times you end up in a fucking monkey enclosure im never going to stop loving you

**levvie: **im your best bitch FOREVER

**ditchie: **thanks bev 

**levvie: **<3

**levvie: **have u spoken to eddie yet

**ditchie: **no

**levvie: **why not

**ditchie: **he wants nothing to do with me 

**ditchie: **i dont blame him

**levvie: **thats horse shit 

**ditchie: **dont bother bev

**ditchie: **if he wanted to see me he would have by now

**levvie: **i'll talk to him

**levvie: **he better have a fucking good reason

**levvie: **and if he doesn't

**levvie: **i'll whoop his ass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bev is richie's platonic soulmate, eddie is richie's true fucking love, but STAN WAS RICHIE'S FIRST BEST FRIEND SEND FUCKING TWEET.
> 
> richie being bipolar is one of my personal hc's - if you want to see it portrayed well outside of a fkn group chat fic i would HIGHLY recommend the redemption of richie tozier by tozier (which is just about the best damn fic on this site holy shit i love it so much). i've based my portrayal on research, second-hand perspective of bipolar disorder (i have a friend who has it), and 5000000 rewatches of skam and all its remakes. i HOPE i've done it justice.
> 
> anyway, i've been planning this from CHAPTER 3 ha HA. also, i would recommend re-reading chapter 9, which makes a lot more sense when u know why richie's being a chaotic bastard.
> 
> i have final exams next week so idk when i'll update next (i wrote this instead of studying bc weimar germany is fkn BORING lol), but it shouldn't be over a week...except next chapter pretty much wraps up the plot line i had planned in my head, and i have NO IDEA what i'm going to do with this fic after that, fair warning (yeah, this is a cry for help. someone tell me what you want me to do with these characters PLEASE).
> 
> if you have any questions or feedback, please leave a comment. my inbox blew up last update and every message makes my heart explode so thanks ily.
> 
> ok these notes got really long sorry about that lol.
> 
> P.S. the lyrics richie sent to eddie are from [froot by marina and the diamonds](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BI_0HIz_4JY), which is FUCKING BANGER. eddie is an unappreciative brat.


End file.
